24.7

Richard is lying next to me, sleeping. Usually he works on his laptop while I nap (I need more sleep than him), so it is a rare treat to be able to watch him while he’s sleeping. He is the handsomest man in the world. I really do need to take some pictures of him for the blog, so that you can all agree with me.

Today we went to Costco to get some things for an upcoming weeklong camping trip and to pick up prescriptions - migraine meds for me and an Epi-pen for Richard, who has an amazingly serious allergy to shrimp. We had a huuuge cart that was hard to move around, and I had picked up about five pounds of wild sockeye salmon to freeze for the winter. I was feeling nervous about getting the salmon to the freezer, so I asked Richard if he would pick up the prescriptions while I tried to find the big coolers, which had moved since the last time we were there.

To make a long story short, I ran all around the store with various employees until finally a manager checked the computer and found that all the Costcos in our area were out of them. Argh. I went to the Pharmacy line and Richard was standing next to it. He looked annoyed.

“Where were you?”

“I’m sorry, they’re out of the coolers and it took a while. Did you get the prescriptions?”

“No, I didn’t. I don’t know what you’re picking up.”

“Daddy, all you need to do is give them our name. They’ll find them.”

We got into line and he was quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he didn’t appreciate my tone. It was rude. I knew immediately that he was right. Richard cuts me a lot of slack - he lets me tease him and he is very patient when I’m feeling anxious or worried. A lot of Domly-types would not tolerate what he does. But he does expect me to be respectful, and I wasn’t.

This is important for me too. Like a lot of women, I am very organized and efficient. I have to be, to do my work well and keep my family safe, healthy and happy. In my past marriage, I took responsibility for almost everything. The upside of that was that everything was done how I liked it. The downside was that I felt like my husband’s mommy instead of his wife. And not in a sexy way. And I would get bitchy. Ooooh, I could be bitchy.

I don’t watch to be bitchy. I don’t like myself when I’m bitchy. It hurts me as much as it hurts my partner, probably more. I’m sure that a lot of you reading are thinking “My goodness, that was nothing. You should see how bitchy I can be.” I know that this was minor. Trust me, I can be way bitchier than that (although I haven’t been to Richard.) To me, though, it feels like a slippery slope. This bitchy today, and what happens tomorrow?

I believe (and I may be wrong, I’ll ask Richard when he wakes up and maybe he will reply to this) that, if I keep being disrespectful in this way, it will hurt our relationship badly. I believe that Richard would NOT respond by turning me over his knee more often, or by becoming stricter. That would probably help, but I don’t think that is what he’d do. I think he would withdraw.

In our relationship, I have given all power over to Richard. If I start taking that power back, by challenging him or being disrespectful, then I am betraying him. I’m betraying him in the same way that, if we agreed to be monogamous, having sex with another man would betray him. How could he trust me if I did that?

Now, if I said “Richard, I don’t want to have a D/s (or TPE or whatever) relationship anymore” then we could talk about it and he could decide whether or not he wanted to stay in the relationship, based on my wish to change the ground rules. (Again, just like many people have successfully agreed to move from monogamy to polygamy or polyamory.)

But the fact is that I DON’T want to change the ground rules. I DO want Richard to have total power. To do that requires trust on both our parts. This small episode (which I have warbled on and on about) showed me that I am wrestling with trust right now. (Much like meg at Obedient Persephone, whose blog I LOVE and highly recommend; see blogroll at right.)

Why am I wrestling with trust right now? It’s related to giving control of finances over to Richard (see a couple of blogposts down - Another level of submission). I don’t think he’s going to f**k up and get the utilities shut down or anything. And if he did, so what? They can be turned back on. I guess I’m scared that he’s not going to do them as well as I do them. Which is ridiculous, when I look at that statement in black and white, because I am no Suze Orman, yanno?

Richard, god bless him, when I was apologizing in the car, said “Well, why should you trust me? You don’t know yet if I can do it, do you? I have to earn your trust on this.”

I love how down to earth he is. Truly, he’s right. People talk in very noble and spiritual terms about just letting go and trusting and the gift of submission and all, but it’s HARD. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I still have kids to get through college, and southern California is not a place where you can f**k up financially and recover easily.

Now I’m handing all that over to Richard, who would have been perfectly happy to have me do all the financials forever. He’s only taking it over to make life easier for me. It’s a gift, pure and simple.

So. I need to trust Richard to deal with the finances and other “family administration” chores. But developing that trust will take some time. Until then, I need to stay respectful and try to keep my nose out of things while he figures them out. Not real sexy, not what I fantasized about in my pre-BDSM days. More “Surrendered Wife” than SexySlutSlave. The obvious next step in my submission to Richard.

I’ll keep you posted.

A lot of things happen to me on our stairwell. Richard has grabbed me and fucked me there a few times, and photographed me (including I think the first pic of me posted on this blog, right before a spanking, and one in my “wiggle dress”). A couple of days ago we were walking down it, having a discussion about my collar, and I got in trouble right there on the stairs (Richard is planning to write about this, so I won’t say anything else about it.)

Anyway. I was walking down the stairs yesterday morning, to make coffee and get the newspaper for Richard. The dogs were tumbling around me, and I thought about how I have trained them. And I realized that Richard has trained me in exactly the same way.

The dog I had before these dogs was hell on wheels. It wasn’t Trixie’s fault; she was a breed that is specialized for specific tasks and is very high energy. I “clicker trained” her and trained her to both voice command and hand signals. Which required a lot of reading and a lot of practice and a lot of frustration. At the end, I had a dog who behaved well on a lead when there were no other stimuli around. Otherwise all bets were off. I never felt connected to her. I would look in her eyes and there was crazy there. She did exactly what she was told to do when she was told to do it, but that was it.

When I got the first of the dogs we have now, I was too busy to train her right away (except to a lead, “come” and “sit”, of course). I’m so glad now that I didn’t. Five years later, she responds immediately to any command I give, on leash or off, other stimuli or no. (This isn’t completely true; if Richard has his camera out she will not leave his side because she loves the reflection from the lens.)

The other dogs, who I have not had for as long, are exactly the same. I don’t know if they learned from her or if it’s because we are almost inseparable. The latter is what I want to talk about in re Richard’s training of me.

Richard isn’t into protocols and training regimes and lots of rules. Sometimes I think it would be fun to have more of that kind of dynamic (it’s sexy!) but mostly I’m glad. We’re both busy people and clearly don’t need all that for me to feel submissive to him, and him to feel ownership of me. However, we have both noticed that I obey him instinctively and often even anticipate his needs and wishes. And my obedience and anticipation are getting stronger and more pronounced with time.

What I realized on the stairs (I finally get to this - jeez) is that: the dogs obey me immediately and completely at a level that I never expected, especially without explicit training. They know me and what I want and need because they are with me constantly and pay close attention to me at all times. I know them for the same reasons. And I let them know what I want while at the same time trusting them not to need the uber-control of clickers and hand signals and all that. I respect their dog nature, if you will.

Similarly, I am able to obey and serve Richard at a level that (he tells me) he never experienced before, even though he has been involved with someone who saw herself as a high protocol slave (I realized as I wrote this that you could compare her quite aptly with Trixie). I think that’s because we are always together and I am always paying close attention to him (as he does me). He doesn’t choose to micro-manage me. He tells me what he wants, and then trusts me to get it right (Richard says that I should add “and he gets cranky when I don’t” lol).  He respects my slave nature (grin).

This post was a lot trickier to write than I expected! We have a big day ahead of us, so I’ll stop now. I’m keen to see what others’ experiences have been with this. How do you trade off explicit training/ control with simply knowing your Master/Owner/Daddy or partner?

xoAmy

Richard said that is going to be his new name. I have to refer to him at all times as “Sir Lord Master Slavebeater”. Without laughing, mind you.

I told Richard that I’m going to start collecting things he says like this (a constant occurrence) and post them under “Richardisms”.

Hope y’all are having a great day. We’re about to go for a long walk. Yesterday we had a wonderful picnic and watched the sun set on the beach while our dogs gamboled around us. I love summer!

xoAmy

I posted almost a year ago (Sept 3 “Joseph and the Pharaoh”) about the challenges I faced when Richard took over running our home. Honestly, it was one of the hardest tests of submission for me.

I know it sounds ridiculous - “Oh, no, please don’t take over cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming, Cruel Master!” But I’ve been in charge of running my home throughout my adult life, and handing over that responsibility to someone else was hard. Really hard. It’s hard to feel submissive to someone when they are PUTTING THE GLASSES ON THE WRONG SHELF FOR GOD’S SAKE.

Over the course of the year I have gradually become comfortable with giving up control of homemaking to Richard. I still do most of the gardening, most of the “event planning”, and most of the organizing (he just doesn’t notice if books are put away upside down or sideways). I also pay the bills and make most of the financial decisions, although I always check with Richard before doing anything major (eg switching credit cards, opening an online savings account, or making a large purchase).

My financial responsibilities have been a bit wearing. We are in good financial shape, and I never pay anything late, or anything like that. But we aren’t really saving like I think we should be, and I think we are eating out too much and spending money on things that we don’t really need. The main problem, as I see it, is that neither Richard nor I have ever been the “brakes” in a relationship. We both are somewhat impulsive and enjoy change, and we have a whole lot of fun together. Neither of us wants to be the one who says “let’s NOT go out, let’s just eat at home” or “let’s not have wine with dinner” or “we don’t really need that new (whatever)”.

Neither of us has expensive tastes and we tend to want to buy things more for the other person than ourselves (Richard wants me to have more clothes; I want him to have more photography supplies). And, again, we’re actually on very solid financial footing. I just think we could do better, and it’s been bothering me a lot because I feel like I am shirking my responsibilities.

Richard brought up the possibility of taking over the finances a few times, but I felt too guilty to pursue it and he was (I think) unwilling to push me on it. A few days ago he brought it up again, probably because he could see how much it was bothering me. I chewed on it for a couple of days and then let him know that I was ready.

Yesterday, we sat down together and I walked him through our system - the online accounts, the files, etc. I reviewed everything I do regularly and explained what I was aiming for. I gave him all the passwords.

He listened and asked questions and then, when I’d covered everything, he took a stack of filing and went through everything. Since I got sick in December, I haven’t caught up on the financial filing and it was quite a stack. He worked through the whole thing, asking me questions when he didn’t know where something went.

When he finished, I thanked him and then I started crying. I was so surprised - he was too - but I think I’ve been more stressed about this than I had been letting on. I felt (feel) so grateful to him for being willing to take over this. I kept saying “thank you, thank you so much Daddy” and then I’d start bawling again. He just held me and patted me and said “It’s okay. It’s my job to take care of you.”

I’m hoping that this will take some pressure off, and I’m hoping that I will get some kinky pleasure out of submitting to his financial decisions. Maybe I’ll even get an allowance. : ) For now, I still feel a little panicky about not being in control of when bills are paid, etc. I just keep reminding myself of how hard it was when he first started taking care of our home, and how wonderful that has been for me (basically doubling my work productivity!)

I’d love to hear how other couples have dealt with this, and what works best for them.

xoAmy

“You can orgasm if you cum before I count to ten.

Amy hates that.

Hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates it.

Or so she says.

Personally, I think it’s kind of fun.

She’s all agitated, and writhing, and begging for permission to cum, and then I give her permission.

Sort of.  It’s permission with a proviso.

And to hear her reaction, you’d think I’d done her a disservice.  Gratitude?  Oh no - It’s all “Bad Man this,” and “Bad Man that,” and “No no no no no no no”  “That’s not enough time,” and similar sounds of protest and unhappiness that are, quite frankly, very erotic to listen to.

I should make a tape.

Anyway, it’s delicious fun, especially the counting part.  I like to mix it up a little.  Start off real slow, “One……….Two………Three………” and then “FourFiveSix” real fast, like I’m going to get to Ten right away, and then she’s lost her chance.

That’s happened before.  She doesn’t make the cut, and then she’s done.  She’s not allowed to cum.  I must say, it’s a wonderful feeling, fucking her at a moment like that and cumming in her, knowing that she’s not about to get any release herself.  Deliciously cruel.

And effective as discipline.  Or maybe not - who really knows?  But it’s sexy and I like it, so I’m cool with it.

I used it yesterday.

Amy had gotten sassy.  The kind of “Pay attention to me I’m insecure and need to feel loved and important” sassy that is so baffling when taken at face value.

Which, as a guy, is how I always take it.

I’ve told Amy never to hint at stuff to me.  Tell me what you want.  If you want “X” for your birthday, tell me you want “X.”  Don’t leave painfully obvious clues and hints for me to pick up on, because I’m a simple man.  I’ll never figure it out. I’m not big on nuance.

Amy has been researching our old correspondence. Fate tried to stop her, once by me cutting my finger and having Amy force me to the doctor’s for stitches, and once by interrupting her with a nearby earthquake that rocked our house and threw things on the floor.

But she persisted, and all of a sudden I have a wife who’s telling me “I’m not what you really wanted, you wanted a girl who is X,” X being a characteristic largely defined by it’s being the opposite of how she perceives herself.

Now, I’m a guy.  This baffles me.  I don’t recognize it as insecurity, it seems to me like a sudden, inexplicable failure of logic.

I come from a gender that doesn’t often get the following joke:

Wife:  Tell me that you love me.

Husband:  I’m still here, ain’t I?

Ah romance.  So anyway,  Amy is feeling insecure and getting sassy, more so as her headache is passing and she’s feeling energetic, and I’m being all logical about how she IS exactly what I want, and she’s adamant that she isn’, and the whole thing is starting to make MY head hurt.

Then she mentions the word “insecure,” and a light goes off in my head.

Oh.

So we’re not really dealing with logic here.

We’re dealing with insecurity.  My little girl needs to feel owned and important to her Daddy.

Sounds like we need a little torture here.

So we talk and cuddle an go over what it was in our old correspondence that made her feel insecure, and I start playing with her nipples.

Well, I call it playing.  I don’t think Amy has a word for it.  She’s not exactly sentient when we do it.  Lots of moaning and writhing and half formed words.  Actually, she does pretty good with single syllables, it’s combining them into longer words, or full sentences that seems to be a challenge.

Oh.

She bites real good too.

I think that she has worked hard at memorizing the one full sentence that suddenly coheres out of all the moaning and protests. “Daddy, may I touch myself?”

I often say yes, but this time I just laughed and said  “No.”

Oh my.

The howls, the unhappiness, the”Why can’t I?”

What a question!

“Why can’t I”

“Because you’re not allowed.”

Duh.

I’m having too much fun playing with her nipples to let her masturbate.   And she’s getting desperate to touch herself. I tell her she’s not allowed, and then I tell her she’s not allowed to go through our old correspondence anymore, and a few other things, and she’s getting pretty frantic.

Then I give her permission to masturbate, but she still has to ask if she can cum, because I haven’t decided that yet.

Migod her nipples.

Like bullets, rocks, you name it - so hard and firm on her soft breasts - drives me crazy with desire, if I can be honest.  I’m lucky I’m sentient, myself.  She wriggles so much I keep losing my grip on them - if I suck them I can keep them in my mouth, but she twists and squirms so much they keep pulling out of my fingers as I torment them.

Finally, after numerous requests (wow- my little girl can beg like the furies when she has too) I decide to let her cum, but only if she can cum before I finish counting.

Hey, I don’t want her getting all cocky and confident on me.  She was sassy just a little while ago.  I want her to know just how close to the edge she is of NOT getting what she is so desperate for.

I count, and while I count I tease her, and make her laugh.

That breaks her concentration.

Heh heh heh.  Cruel.

But she focuses, and her forehead furrows and her fingers fly like the wind and she’s holding her breath and I count to “Seven” and suddenly she’s gasping for air and cumming hard.

Good girl!

She’s exhausted and spent and just perfect for a good fucking, which I indulge myself in.

And now I think we’re good.  Insecurity kept at bay.

Plus a few rules, nothing major.  Some things she’s not allowed to do.

And when she wants to read our old correspondence, she has to get my permission and I’ll sit with her and read with her as she looks things over.

Although… (and she doesn’t know this yet)

She’ll be wearing all her chains and a leash when she does it.

I am lying on the couch while Richard plays Blokus with the kids. We just had a lovely dinner - grilled tri-tip, green beans and baked potatoes, and then a carrot cake that I baked on the grill (whee! that was an adventure!).

I have a migraine.

As some of you know, I had an almost constant headache from mid-December to mid-May. Since then, I’ve had a migraine about once every 3 to 4 weeks, and it only lasts a day or so. But this week I’ve been having recurring headaches and migraines, like earlier in the year. I’ve also been moody and sad pretty regularly. I think it’s hormonal. Bah.

Last night I had a little bit of a meltdown, explaining to Richard why I was a lazy, irresponsible, stupid, fat, ugly blah blah blah blah. He pointed out that I’ve been trying to do way too much, given that the kids are home for the summer and I haven’t been feeling well. But I wasn’t having it; I’d been avoiding my work, letting the house get disorganized, and spending too much time on avoidance net-surfing (blech, I think it’s time for an internet ban/rollback). He told me that I needed to stop arguing with reality.

Arguing with reality is one of my biggest weaknesses. In a way, I think I’ve come as far as I have professionally because of this personality trait. Never satisfied, always pushing harder, wanting more. But now I’ve got this great life, great career, great kids, great home, perfectamazingwondermous husband. Now arguing with reality is just a pain in the neck.

I woke up this morning, hurting and exhausted, and my sweet Richard brought me coffee. I snuggled up against him and we talked and drank our coffee. I started feeling better but I was still in a bit of a funk. So I switched between whining and apologizing for whining, and grousing and apologizing for grousing.

Richard laughs and says “No, I want you to whine. Come on, little girl. Whine for me.”

“Dadddddy. Nooo. I don’t want to whine.”

He chortles. “That’s great. Good whining. C’mon. Whine some more.” And he wraps me up in his strong arms and holds me while I squeak “nooo. I don’t want toooo. let me goooo.” My face is buried in his chest so my voice is muffled.

“Good. Now get cranky. Remember I even love the parts of you that you don’t. I want to hear cranky Amy. I love my cranky girl.” He laughs again, while I struggle to free myself. I’m laughing and whining and laughing at my whining and then I suddenly realize that I can feel his cock against me and it’s hard.

As I do, he pulls my hand down to his cock and says “Do something useful while you’re complaining.” So I play with him for a couple of minutes while he continues to tease me, and then he says “Now I’m going to fuck you”.

And he does, and he makes me come while he’s sucking hard on my breasts, and then he fucks me again. After he comes, still inside of me and on top of me, he says “Oh baby girl, that was SO GOOD.”

It was. And it is.

Learning to submit to Richard has made me so happy and content. If only submitting to reality could be as easy.

xoAmy

I always tell Amy that we aren’t kinky, we’re just Ricky and Lucy Ricardo.  Mainstream, no different than everybody else.  A typical, if retro married couple with a 50s-style society-approved male dominant-female submissive relationship.

She begs to differ.

Well, as long as she’s begging, it’s all good.

So how do we handle D/s and family life?  What do we do about D/s and the kids?

My family with Amy is my second time with children.  A lot of these issues I’ve already gone over with my original children.

I used to keep secrets.  I had a skill at hiding who I really was, at keeping my own needs subordinate to what my partner needed and this turned out to be damaging. Extremely so, I was co-dependent in an increasingly dysfunctional relationship, that eventually came apart.

It bothered me that I hadn’t been able to provide my children with a stable home life like the one I’d had growing up.  Instead, now they had to deal with parental conflict, extended travel, time split between two homes in opposition, etc.  One bit of wisdom really stayed with me from that time; the idea that all we owe our children is the truth about who we are.

I like that idea - not that it is ALL we owe our children, but that children can make better judgements about life if they aren’t confused by their own parents lies to them.

So I don’t lie to my kids.

They ask a question, it gets answered.

Simple.

Parenting is easy.  Painful, sure, but easy.  As long as you don’t mind putting everything out there, and let them think of you what they will.

I don’t care what my kids think of me.  It’s irrelevant.  They can see me as a nice guy, or as a total bastard, it’s all good.  I am who I am, and I’m not invested in whether they see me as a good parent, bad parent, etc.

Same thing goes for blog readers, too :)  I like to express myself so my concept is clear, but I’m pretty indifferent to what any reader’s judgments are. Makes it way easier to write a blog like this.  (And then again, claiming to be indifferent could be an elaborate ruse to fake sincerity.  You make the call)

I don’t think there was ever a time when my original children weren’t aware of alternative relationships.  With a large extended family, we had everything from right wing religious couples to a gay uncle.  My ex-wife and I weren’t judgmental about any of those life directions, and were very straightforward in answering questions as they arose.  The whole “birds and the bees” thing was always looked at as a biological issue infused with emotion, or lust at least.

Dinnertime with my kids would include topics from politics to abortion to alternative sexuality.  No topic of discussion was taboo, from any age, and any question would get explained, and I’d give my opinions of issues, and they were welcome to have and express their own.  Which they did.  Especially my daughter.

I didn’t do anything sexual in front of my children.  Not in my vanilla marriage, and not in any more D/s relationship that followed.

And now with Amy, it’s very much the same.  I’m an aggressive guy.  I don’t dial that back.  I like to hunt and pursue.

And catch.

With the kids around, I do that with Amy by flirting with her.  We’re a playful couple, lots of joking and teasing.

Your children always figure out who you are eventually.  So there’s no point in trying to fake anything; that just lets them know you are dishonest and uncomfortable with who you are.

Nor do you behave inappropriately in front of them.  You don’t involve them in your sex life or particular fetish.  Humiliation play etc. is fine, but not appropriate in front of kids.  Nor is it appropriate in public - go to clubs for those things, where people are expecting stuff of that nature.  I don’t like to do anything too far out of the norm in front of anyone who hasn’t consented to being a part of it.  But that’s another whole issue.

Our kids know that I behave aggressively towards Amy.  I’ll pull her close, kiss her, flirt with her, openly adore her.  She asks my opinion on things, and gives her own.  I don’t issue orders and expect her to obey, etc in front of them.  I treat her with the deference and politeness she deserves, as any human deserves.  Humiliation kink, since it is arousing, is something only done in private.  (And it’s not THAT arousing, so it’s not done that often. Or maybe too often, since it’s not a big fan favorite with Amy.  Go figure.)

We are D/s 24/7 not because we are playing at it, because it’s who we are.   It feels right.  Actually, it doesn’t really feel like anything at all.

It’s just normal.

One of our readers (justdave) asked how we handled our relationship with kids around, particularly since we are a blended family. It was great timing, because there was a thread about this topic over at Fetlife that got a bit ugly (in part thanks to me, I’m afraid). I think the problem was that people who aren’t 24/7 have trouble with the distinction between kinky sexual play and relationship dynamics (eg a bedroom submissive said “most relationships with unequal power are abusive” WTF???). This was exacerbated by the fact that the issue is not a black and white one, as many would like it to be. Anyway, I’ll tell you what we do and why, and I’m curious to hear what others do and what they think about all this.

What we don’t do
We don’t do or say anything sexual around the kids. Well, except they are in their early teen years, so they make off-color jokes a bit and we don’t stomp on that. So, just like most vanilla couples, we save the groping and deep kisses for when we are alone. We also save the spankings and bondage and dirty talking for when we are alone. Most but not all people would agree with this.

I personally don’t make this choice because of the children’s age, I make it because they would not be consensual participants if we were sexual in front of them. I make the same choice about exposing other people (family, friends, strangers on the street) to my sexual behavior. Note that I am not saying “my kink”, because I feel this about any kind of sexual behavior, not just kinky behavior.

This last point is a gray area, because you could also make the argument that people (adults anyway) SHOULD be exposed to more kinky sexual behavior, so that they realize it is…common (was gonna say normal, but maybe not :)). Certainly I would fight very hard to support gay couples’ right to hold hands, be affectionate and kiss in public (maybe not so much the genital groping but whatever). So for those of you who WANT to be led around by a leash in public, I say go for it! I’m a little less thrilled by the what seems to be common Domly desire to require a submissive to leave her panties for an unsuspecting waitress, but again, whatever.

In the Fetlife thread I referred to earlier, a few people said they’d be really irritated if someone was behaving kinkily in public in front of their children, because why should they have to explain that to their kids? I don’t have much sympathy for that point of view. My kids learned about gays very early in their life, because they have both lesbians and gay men as relatives. It was an easy, no-brainer conversation: “Some women like men, some women like women. Aunt Beatrice likes women.” My kids were kind of like “OK. Can we go play now?”

Honestly, I would welcome the opportunity that some public BDSM behavior would offer for a conversation with my kids. Sadly that is unlikely to occur where we live (I so fantasize about moving to San Francisco). However, I’ve had a couple of good, introductory conversations with my eldest child who is a BIG fan of Twilight. Any of you read Twilight? OMG, Edward (the vampire) is a TOTAL Dom, and Bella is waaaaaaay submissive. My girl got very sad after reading the first book because she said she would never meet a guy like Edward. We talked about what she found appealing in him. Dangerous but nurturing. Protective but domineering. Aggressive but gentle. Completely focused on Bella. I finally said “Dude. Check out your stepdad. Is he not Edward?” And it was like a light came on. She got it.

Since then, she has started conversations with me about sexuality (we had the “where do babies come from” a very long time ago). For one thing, she wanted to know if she was a lesbian, since she thought women’s bodies were really beautiful. I said a) no, and b) it would be okay if you are, as long as you c) still have grandbabies for me (she knows the last is a joke). She also wanted to talk about Edward and Bella’s relationship more, and we ended up talking about D/s and power exchange and switching and role playing. I didn’t speak specifically about Richard’s and my relationship, but I did tell her that I was submissive. She was so open and interested that it kind of blew me away. Which I said. It was a really wonderful talk.

What we do
I call Richard “Daddy” and he calls me “baby girl” in front of the kids. The first couple of times it slipped out, I got embarrassed and a bit worried, but they didn’t even notice. When I worry about it, I remind myself that it is very much a white, middle-class “issue”. African American and Hispanic women often call their man “Daddy”. My kids have friends of many ethnicities and cultures, and I just don’t think they notice stuff like that. In fact, my grandmother called my grandfather Daddy (he called her “Momma”, not “baby girl” however).

I am always respectful and deferential to Richard in front of the kids. And he is to me as well. He insists on opening my car door, he won’t allow me to carry packages, he won’t eat until I sit down at the table. My little one now races Richard to get to my car door! Isn’t that sweet? I love it that my children are seeing their mother treated with respect and love.

The main way we behave differently from a vanilla couple is that he will occasionally command me in a teasing way and…I always respond by doing what he says. In any other relationship I would have argued or said “fuck off” if someone had done that. The kids definitely notice this and I’m not sure what I think about that. One nice thing is that they will tease me now too. If I kind of “talk back” one of them will say “Oooooh you’re gonna get it now Momma!” and laugh and offer to help Richard catch me if I run away. So I guess they see it as flirting; certainly it is always very light-hearted and loving.

The part of this that I guess I am still wrestling with is that I am NOT a “taken in hand” wife. I don’t believe that God wanted men to be Dominant and women to be submissive. In many ways our relationship looks like a traditional one, and I feel extremely comfortable in it, but I don’t see it as inherently more desirable or natural than (for example) a FemDom/malesub relationship. I guess I’d rather my kids know that I’m kinky than to think I’m June Cleaver. If that makes any sense at all.

*I posted this and kept ruminating about that last line. “I guess I’d rather my kids know that I’m kinky than to think I’m June Cleaver.” It resonated with me so strongly. I realized, and want to clarify here, that what I want my kids to get from our relationship is that alternative sexuality/relationships are fine, NOT that women should obey their husbands. Thinking about that, I guess I am going to have to have some kind of a sit-down with them at some point. I will continue to ponder this. Another example of why writing a blog is such a positive experience.

Well, I’ve gone on and on and on, and I have grilled pizzas to make for dinner tonight (Hawaiian for the kids; something less fruity for us). I’m sure I’ve forgotten a million things I wanted to say, but maybe you will say them, or I will make another post or maybe they’re just not that important.xoAmy

I just got a request from one of our readers (SherbetBerry at Fetlife) to talk a bit more about sub-drop.  I feel like a bit of a faker writing about it, since I’ve only experienced it the once.   I’m still at the stage of shaking my head and saying “Jeez, what hit me?” (And I don’t mean Richard the Flogger. lol)  I thought I might instead ask readers with more experience to post their thoughts about it.  Wouldja?  See also sulpicia’s blog (on our blogroll) for a recent post about the same.

SherbetBerry got me thinking more generally about reader requests.  We used to get more than we do now and I just realized that our email addresses are not on this site (they were on the old site.)  I shall address that today.  FYI, my email address is [email protected].

I would also like to ask, for those of you who are comfortable responding here, to let us know about what you like or don’t like and what you would like to hear or see more (and if you’d like to remain anonymous, just give yourself a silly name, so I can distinguish between you eg QuietPerson or Lurker : )).  For example, more posts by Richard?  Pictures of Richard?  (Do you like how I’m making more work for Richard?  I’m sure my ass will hear about it when he reads this post. hehe) 

Seriously though, do you have questions about previous posts that weren’t answered?  Is there something we haven’t written about that you want to know more about?  What are your favorite posts to read?  (That will help me think about things to focus on in future.)

I have a few topics of my own that I hope to write about in the next couple of weeks, but it would be GREAT to get input from you on your interests and preferences.  I sometimes think if readers knew how much most bloggers enjoy comments, they would post a lot more.  

And now I’m going to the pool!  Once I can drag Richard and the kids away from their computers, that is…

xoAmy

Richard and I were just looking at chicken websites and this little beauty showed up.  His immediate response was “Ooo bondage chick!”

Pervert.

xoAmy

PS Long time readers of the blog may remember that Richard has a fetish for farm equipment (not really); see last year’s 4 July post on our visit to a feed store (bottom of the page).