24.7

Hi everybody!  Thanks for the good wishes from everyone who responded to Richard’s last post.  And thanks to poor Megan, who ended up minding the fort for us during our extended absence.  Since she was the last one to write a post, all of the questions about “where are you?’ ended up in her email inbox.

The past year was very challenging for me, and I don’t know how I would have survived it (truly) without Richard’s love and caretaking.  As he said though, it has slowed down our BDSM play because I was in so much pain that it didn’t seem like much fun to inflict even more.

But I don’t want to warble on about how boring our last year was.  It was bad enough to live through it; I don’t want to have to write about it too.  And I’m quite sure, trust me, that it would not be a great read.  Instead, I want to talk to you about what we have been exploring lately.

A few weeks ago, I went on Second Life (aka SL) for a work-related activity.  Both Richard and I had explored SL a small amount before.  Megan talked me into going on because she had met many friends and had a lot of fun there.  It hadn’t really clicked for us, though.

For the two people on the planet that don’t know about SL, here is a brief description.  It is probably the most popular Multi-User Virtual Environment (MUVE), which is exactly what it sounds like.  When you go to SL, you are given an avatar, a 3D computer “person”, that you can move through the virtual environment that is SL via your keyboard controls.  (I am sure there are much better descriptions of SL on Wikipedia or something.)

My first few hours on SL were probably similar to that of many people.  In fact I read that SL is working on its “first hour experience”.  Which is at present…weird.  My first hour I did a lot of embarrassing things.  I ran into a lot of walls and slammed up against a lot of ceilings, as I learned how to control my avatar (this wasn’t such a problem for Richard, who has played a lot of computer games).  I accidentally took off all my clothes in a PG kind of area.  I asked a large group of people if I could go to the bathroom, because I thought I was sending a private message to Richard (yes *sigh* I still have to get permission to use the bathroom).

I also thought my assigned avatar was really, really ugly.  So then I spent a lot of time shopping for a new “skin” and “shape” and clothing.  Which was boring.  I’m not a big shopper.  In fact Richard ended up doing a lot of that for my avatar.

Which brings me to why I am still on SL (as amy247 Waverider - come find me if you are on!).  Richard loves it, and that is making me start to love it.  Why hadn’t I realized the potential of SL before?  Let me count the ways.  First, we have been hungering for community (the focus of many discussions, and still no good answers).  SL is one way of developing a community of like people.

Second, Richard is so, so visual and in fact he has helped me realize that I am also a very visual person.  SL is in some ways like fetlife or bondage.com (where we met), but with a visual element.   Everyone on SL is gorgeous.  Well, except for the people who don’t want to be gorgeous, like zombies.

Finally, SL is kink friendly.  SL is generally a more open and accepting place than our real life (RL, in SL-speak).  I told Richard that it reminds me of Burning Man.

Here are the cool things we have done over the last few weeks.  We went to a lot of clubs.  It was surprisingly romantic to slow dance together and surprisingly sexy to have sex on the floor while other people watched. But I ended up spending a lot of time dealing with IMs from newbies.  In spite of being WITH Richard, and my profile (you can click on a person’s avatar to get info about them) saying that I am owned by him.  I guess it’s a low cost strategy to IM whatever female avatars are in the room and say such gems as “Amy u mak me hornie.”

Then Richard discovered the camera function on SL. Hehe.  Guess what Richard did for the next few days?  He went to every BDSM club and rough sex club and strip club in SL, I think.  And he took (and continues to take) some terrific pictures.

So then he decided to open his own gallery.  It was very cool; he had a realtor take him around and he bought some land.  Then he learned to build and he built a gorgeous gallery from the ground up.  It’s called Predator (appropriate name, huh?).  Come visit.  It’s got RL pics of me (I think most were first posted on this blog), and some really amazing SL pics.

When Richard was doing a search on the word “predator”, he found a simulation that we have ended up spending a lot of time on.  It seems made to order for Richard, honestly.  It’s called Kingdom of Sand, and it is basically a bunch of predators (slavers, Bedouin, Magi) that chase around prey (slaves) and also fight with each other.

Richard loves it.  He became a slaver right away.  I thought it was telling that the outfit he had chosen for his avatar when we first got to SL was almost identical to what the other slavers wore (a kilt, no shirt and tattoos).  He says that chasing prey is exhilarating; fighting feels more like something you just have to do, and once he’s caught the prey it’s not as interesting.

I’m feeling a little intimidated by it, although I really enjoy the role-playing.  I’m kind of scared of all the predators.  And I’m struggling with jealousy when Richard catches another slave girl.  I feel like such a dork; it’s not real, I know he loves only me, he doesn’t get jealous when the slavers ogle me, blablabla.  But I had a dream two nights ago.  My wedding ring, which is antique platinum filigree with little diamonds, broke into tiny pieces and fell into the sand I was walking over.  I tried to pick up the pieces, but they kept sifting through my fingers and falling into crevices in the sand.

Richard hasn’t chased anyone since I told him about my insecurity.  He says that he is focused on making tattoos (and he just made some awesome nipple rings for my avatar!).  But I know it’s because he is worried about me.  I feel so ashamed of my response and part of me wishes I hadn’t told him (although I tell him everything, and Richard says I’m not allowed to keep things like that to myself).

I think SL could be a great place for us to explore things that are difficult to explore in RL - eg I already have a couple of tattoos and now piercings, and Richard could explore sharing me (a big part of his sexuality and a big scary for me in RL).  But if I can’t put on my big girl panties and be clear on the distinction between RL and SL, then none of that can happen. I would love to get some advice on this from those of you more experienced in SL.

OK, gotta go feed my family and get some work done.

Salaam and safe paths, : )

amy

Hi guys! Bet you didn’t expect to see another post from me here. This should teach you to let me remain part of your blog! [insert delighted smirk here]

Readers, you might remember Amy mentioning that when she started exploring BDSM, I had the wonderful pleasure of guiding her a little bit, as I’ve been in the lifestyle for nearly a decade. I’ve noticed that she praises my wisdom far too much. Here’s a peek at the dynamic reversed!

Let’s go back a year in time. I was half a year shy of the end of my 6 year marriage to my former Master. I was confused and unsure of which way to go. I was done with my post-divorce/release phase of “done with D/s”, and the phase of claiming to be a new-born lesbian, and was in the process of moving 3000 miles to give a new relationship a try. I was very fascinated and hopeful about this guy, and also a little hesitant because some of the things he wanted were things that I was strongly considering moving away from, but I wanted to give it a fair try. I was also very excited about living 6 hours away from Amy, instead of on the other side of the continent!

I remember Amy and Richard visiting with us at the very beginning. Even as we were quite new in the relationship, we already had the dynamic down and were quite hard core both S&M wise and protocol wise, and both bruises and demeanor were firmly in place upon their arrival. I remember Amy writing a very sweet entry about the visit, and I remember her telling me that she felt like a novice, compared to what she saw there.

And I remember that I saw it very differently. If anyone felt like a novice, it was me. I might have the kneels, the posture, the demeanor, the backing away respectfully, and so forth, down… but my heart wasn’t quite with it. I was still trying to find my place, my comfort zone, my sense of belonging. Everything I did, I did with a deep seated fear of not doing it right, and was obsessing over the fact that I could never quite seem to get it down intuitively and smoothly enough. I was always just a little late realizing that his glass was nearing empty, always a little too clumsy as I was backing away, and I couldn’t relax to save my life.

And I saw Amy and Richard cuddled up on the couch. They weren’t that old in their relationship either, I think they had just passed their first six months of living together. But I saw Amy predict Richard’s needs before he even knew he needed anything. Not because she was obsessively watching his glass with a deep fear of failing to notice when it was nearing empty, like I was with my dom, but because she was so in tune with him that she just knew. I saw her spontaneously feed him from her fingers, and I saw him feed her. They were giggling, their love apparent in everything they did. I was thinking that Amy was so much more a natural slave than I was, because she acted so naturally out of love and celebration, rather than in that obsessive worryful way that I was doing it. (Later I realized that she maybe didn’t really do everything “right”, but she did it “right enough”, and seen through the perspective of his loving eyes, it WAS right. Not because she is perfect (even though she is!!!), but because he loves her, and he recognizes the pure devotion she feels for him and his wellbeing - as he feels for her as well.)

I remember thinking, I hope I will have what they have one day. Because that’s what it’s all about.

It didn’t happen with that dom. I never quite managed to get past focusing on all the things I was doing wrong, obsessing about not measuring up, trying so hard to avoid disappointing him, feeling like I was constantly being measured in a “not quite gonna make it” kind of way. In hindsight I realize that I lacked the awareness to pinpoint this, and in the heat of my desperation to try not to fuck up, I definitely was not aware of how counter-productive the negative focus was as opposed to the positive focus I have today.

It’s funny how you can do something, and do it really well, impressively well - and still not actually “getting it”. I started in a medium protocol relationship with gorean undertones, and moved to more protocol, even though I had already started wondering if that was something that really worked for me. It was all I really knew, and I had a hard time understanding how I could still feel like a slave without having a myriad of rituals to remind me. And this was part of the reason why I was feeling lost and confused.

I needed to see a different way, and see it work, and see it give the results that I really wanted.

And that is what I saw, when I moved down to stay with Richard and Amy for a while. Don’t get me started on the huge amount of love and spoiling I got there, because that’s not what this entry is about, but it sure helped heal me, extremely quickly at that too. What this entry is about, however, is their dynamic and how it inspired and influenced me and got me onto the right track. How they taught me in the best way - by example.

It started at that visit I mentioned up there, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. During my too few months with them, I started seeing D/s in a different light, a light that actually fit me much better than my “previous lives”. Their dynamic is just so.. ALIVE.. free flowing, filled with a constant, active energy. They really don’t have much protocol as far as I’ve noticed, and the reason why I am mentioning this protocol stuff so much is for two reasons: one because I needed that epiphany in order to be open for the right type of relationship for me, and second because what triggered this post in the first place, was an entry that Amy wrote several months back, about them not having a “normal” D/s relationship, not “scening”, and so forth. And I was so triggered and upset by it, because I see what Richard and Amy have as being FAR more evolved than that, and I just wanted to shake her and tell her “why on earth would you want to go BACKWARDS???”.

Watching the playfulness between Richard and Amy, seeing how they managed to be goofy and head over heels in love, vulnerable with each other, shamelessly adoring each other, and just really living life with so much joy and passion, and seeing how this all just fueled the D/s aspect of their relationship instead of somehow making it less “real”, that was the real eye opener for me. Realizing that it was possible to have a really deep, fulfilling, complete, passionate and meaningful D/s relationship without the rigidness of protocol and rituals, that the lack of rituals and protocol didn’t mean loss of power exchange, or anything less intense.

And it was a big relief, to realize that it was OK to do this without all the “demonstrating acts” that I had been trained to perform. That not only does submission remain and blossom in the submissive, but that the dominant also “gets it”, that he can feel the submission through other ways and still feel satisfied. Wow. To be able to serve so much more purely from the heart, instead of the brain! I realize that to some people rituals and protocol works GREAT - but for a scatterbrain like me, I end up focusing so much on attempting to not forget details that I lose the greater picture. Of course it also helps to have a dominant who loves and adores you so much that it’s hard to do anything wrong, because they just see your heart and devotion and think you’re cute when you’re being silly!

To me, what has always been the most important thing to a D/s relationship, is love. Deep, passionate, crazy love. I’m not truly a slave to someone, until I love them with heart and soul. I also need to be loved back. And I realize that my demands are getting quite high here… I want kink, I want playfulness, AND I want love! AND a family. AND… well, more! And it’s tempting to give up and think that one has to settle… “well, three out of five will probably do…” But luckily Richard and Amy helped me in that regard too, again through example. They really inspired me to not lower my expectations, and to keep believing that it’s not only possible, but necessary - and that I should have it. Nothing less would do. (I’m sure you can all imagine them scrutinizing the suitors, and agreeing with each other that NOBODY was good enough for their Megan! LOL)

And then, one day this very special man showed up on my door. I have never in my 33 year life fallen instantly head over heels for anyone, nor believed in that “first sight” kind of thing, but it happened that day. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I wanted. I suspected it before I met him, from what I had encountered of him through emails and phone calls, but the moment my soul connected with his, I just knew. (And if I’d read this paragraph a year ago, I’d have laughed my ass off and shook my head with amusement and lack of belief in that such things are real.)

That was the end of March, over 7 months ago. I’m still shamelessly, recklessly happy and in love. I’ve tried over a dozen times to write this paragraph, but I just can’t do this justice. I am just amazed at how it’s possible to be this happy. I don’t even know how to describe us. It really is like a dance, a beautiful, exciting dance. And it’s so smooth, so natural, so real, so unique, so “us”. He’s a poly sadistic dominant, and I’m a playful masochistic submissive - but that’s just the basis that we’re building our dynamic on. We’re taking some parts to the extreme, dropping other parts, and introducing whatever turns us on. And at the same time just digging the hell out of each other and having each others’ back.

And I’m just so grateful to Richard and Amy for pushing me lightyears ahead in gaining the consciousness I needed in order to allow this relationship to fall into its own place, and have the peace and openness to let it grow into something that is so unique and purely “us” instead of thinking that we “have” to do one thing or another. By focusing on the passion (and amazing, killer sex!!), and letting it grow into love, the D/s part just naturally flowed into place, and I find myself in such a scary, overwhelming OWNED kind of state that I’m lost for words. And the kick ass part of that is that I’m there, while still being absolutely, purely “me”, with scattered brains, a really goofy sense of humour, moments of evilness, and all those things that I have to some extent or another tried to tone down in other relationships, because I was so worried about not being pretty enough in my service. I’ve even gone back to college, with his amazing support and understanding, and I’m able to enjoy my studies without feeling that I am somehow not serving him well enough, by having such time consuming third party interests.

Thank you guys, for being such a loving and inspiring part of my life. I really, truly love you guys.

Amy had a request for me yesterday; she wanted to be spanked.

There are two things Amy doesn’t do.  Make requests, and long for spankings.

So when she mixed them both together yesterday, it gave me pause for thought. As it turns out, I probably got it wrong.

I know she has made a post about it, but I want to write this before I read what she has to say about the whole thing.

My first thought was, that I hadn’t been giving her enough attention.  She was happy to have all the attention I could give her yesterday, and I wondered if I had been remiss.  And I know that she likes to be reminded of her submission as well, and I thought that I had not been letting her feel that enough lately.

Mind you, I had none of these thoughts until she asked; only then did I begin to reflect on what she was asking.

I considered that she was likely feeling a need for attention, and a need to submit, and a need to feel herself physically doing something she didn’t want to.  The idea that she might be volunteering to submit to something she didn’t like because she thought I might want to do it, but wasn’t pursuing that course of action didn’t occur to me, although it probably should have.  Just way too complicated for my brain.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, weighty stuff like the nature of art, the meaning of life, where does one find meaning in a post modern world; the usual sort of stuff that tends to lead a person into abstract thought, and a bit out of the present.  It occurred to me I had been doing too much of that.

I decided then that an extended flogging might work better to meet her needs than a simple spanking.  It lasts longer, and doesn’t have any punishment overtones for us.  I didn’t think she needed to feel punished.  Amy usually doesn’t feel the need to be punished, and occasionally points out to me what a good girl she is, and how she specifically doesn’t need whatever punishment I am proposing for her at the time.

In the past flogging has generally bored me.  But I’ve never really done it in a relationship even similar to what Amy and I have, so I thought this might be fun.  I downloaded some music from iTunes that she wouldn’t know, blindfolded her, and began.

It felt awkward in a way, more like a “scene” rather then something that flowed organically out of our natural interactions; but still fun.   I mixed up rhythms, landing zones, patterns, but nothing shocking or out of the ordinary, or not shocking at least if you accept the idea of a flogging as being a fairly mainstream activity.

I did blindfold her, because it makes her feel more dependent, and I kept touch with her through a hand on her leg or ankle.

I enjoyed the rhythm myself, the exploration of how she reacted to my touch, and the touch of the flogger. I wanted to be sure she felt submissive, and the focus of my attention.

I kept it short, the whole thing lasted around an hour or so, and I felt quite mentally and emotionally satisfied by it when we finished - it’s not an avenue of expression I usually seek, but I’m thinking it’s a good one for exploring further.  Never hurts to have extra ways to explore your relationship.

Well, it doesn’t hurt me, anyways.

The flogging also helped kick off a series of discussions between Amy and I, which have been very, very helpful to me.  More on those in posts to come!

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on Fetlife and reading blogs. Which I really shouldn’t have been doing, because there are lots of things that need to be done around the house and I also have a big project due on Thursday. Nonetheless, there I was, and it made me a bit squirmy, reading about others’ relationships and play, etc. Before I had a chance to think too much about it, I sat down on the couch next to Richard and said “Daddy, would you please spank me?”

He looked up from some pictures he was working on and said “Really? You really want me to spank you?” I said I did, we talked about it for a minute (I think he was trying to figure out what it was I wanted exactly) and then he suggested that he flog me instead.

Richard bought a flogger about a year ago and he had used it on me for a few minutes then, just to show me how it felt, but we had never really had a “session” with it. He decided that we needed special music and downloaded (had to open iTunes to check; this is not a misspelling) Delerium, which he says is good music to flog to (okay that sounds really funny to me). He had me set up the speakers. Then he told me to find the handcuffs and the flogger.

It all felt a bit odd to me. Remember that I am a newbie; my relationship with Richard is my first experience with BDSM and we have never done any “scenes” or much playing at all. So it felt strange to be calmly helping Richard set up the bedroom so that he could FLOG me, for goodness sake. Very calm and business-like, not like when he grabs me and molests me or swats me when I’m sassy.

Anyway. I sat on the side of the bed while he set things up. He looked over at me and casually said “Take off your clothes”. So I did. Then he picked up one of my sarongs and blindfolded me with it, and put on my handcuffs and laid me across a couple of pillows. He checked to make sure I was comfortable and explained that he didn’t want any discomfort to interfere with the sensations I was feeling, so he wanted me to tell him if I became uncomfortable. I was feeling very quiet and submissive from being blindfolded and handcuffed so I murmured “Yes sir” very quietly.

He turned on the music, which is very…rhythmic, moody, pulsing…oh, Richard says Delerium is techno dance music. He started by rubbing me, softly but firmly, starting at my calves and going up my ass and back and shoulders. Then he trailed the flogger over my legs, then over my ass, then over my shoulders and back. He slowly began striking me with the flogger, first gently and slowly, then harder and quicker.

I felt the strikes move up my legs to my ass, lingering there before moving down again. Occasionally he would strike my shoulders a few times, which was always a shock. I would feel the stinging there for longer than on my legs and ass.

Sometimes he would focus on my ass for several minutes at a time. The thudding was almost soothing, although every once in a while it would start to hurt and I would cry out softly and reach for a pillow to hang onto. But it never got so bad that I felt scared. I knew that Richard would not push me too hard, at least not this time. : ) After he had been hitting harder or faster for a bit, he would slow down or move the flogging higher or lower on my body.

Every few minutes he would touch my ankle with one hand or stop and caress my (throbbing) ass. I loved those times. I felt so safe and so loved. He was doing this for ME. I had been a bit concerned that flogging me would bore him, but I made myself let that go and just float with the sensations. Twice I think my mind would start to wander, but I pulled it back again quickly (I have a very active monkey mind; things like meditating and yoga are challenging for me).

When he was flogging me on my upper thighs and ass, and not too hard, sometimes it felt very sexy and I longed for him to touch me. I could feel my thighs spreading and my ass rising to meet his hands, almost without my volition.

Oh, I almost forgot. At one point, one song ended and instead of another beginning, a podcast by one of my colleagues began “Hello, this is Dr. X and today I’d like to talk about ” Omigosh it was so funny. I giggled, and Richard had to stop and skip to the next song. It happened one more time - who knows how the podcasts managed to get mixed in with the Delerium downloads.

At just exactly the perfectly right time, he slowwwwly began dragging the flogger along my ass and legs. He would stop and re-start a second later and each time he did that I felt a jolt, a short little almost-coming. He put down the flogger and rubbed me with his hands for a few minutes, gently soothing my deliciously aching thighs and ass and back, then he removed my handcuffs. He rolled me onto my back and said “Now you need to come for your Daddy” and I did.

I thought he had been flogging me for 20 or 30 minutes, but he told me later that it was an hour. He also told me that after I came, he held me tightly for 30 minutes before he sent me to get ready for bed. I don’t really remember that. When I came back to bed, I snuggled up very tightly to him. He said the rest of the night I stayed very, very close to him. If we separated, I would become restless and he would place a hand firmly on me to settle me. He said I’m always a bit like that at night, but much moreso last night.

I need to stop now and eat dinner. We have just bought a really lovely gas grill (we’ve always used a charcoal grill before, but we grill so often we thought this would be easier) and Richard is making tri-tip and grilled asparagus. I am going to make mojitoes (mojitos?). Tomorrow I will tell you about my first experience with sub-drop. Really.

xoAmy

Warning: whining and over-simplification ahead.

Why is it that submissives invariably need regular…proof or confirmation that they are in fact in a D/s relationship? Why don’t dominants need this?

I have a working hypothesis. You know how vanilla men tend to want to have sex more than women? An ex told me that men will never turn down an offer of sex, because they never know when they’ll get it again. He contrasted this with women, who generally KNOW they can get sex whenever they want, so they can say “no” more comfortably.

Similarly, Richard knows that he’s The Boss. He knows that he can do whatever he wants with me, whenever he wants. I, on the other hand, have no idea when the next spanking or fucking is coming. (Remember, I said I was going to over-simplify.)

I’ve been having a problem with migraines since Christmas, and we’ve had a bunch of visitors. That means there is less time and privacy for play.  Plus Richard is feeling very protective of me, so he’s (relatively speaking) been gentle with me when we make love.

I have been very focused on:  working a lot whenever I don’t have a headache, and making sure our visitors are happy, amused, well-fed and well-bedded.  This means a whole lot of organizing.  Organizing is something I’m good at, but the downside is that when I’m doing a lot of it I feel like I’m in charge, like I’m in control.

Like I’m The Boss. 

Normally, when we have more time alone and more time to play, Richard keeps my inner Boss in check.  I’m happier when he does, because I don’t WANT to be the one in control.  When I’m in control, I worry a lot and never stop thinking.  I’m anxious.  I spent most of my life that way, like I said I’m good at it, and it’s really really really nice not to be that way anymore.  I am still the main planner and organizer in our relationship, and I’m a Boss-person at work.  But (when we’re playing regularly) even when I’m planning and organizing things, I know it’s for my Daddy, so it doesn’t stress me out as much.  

These days I’m feeling a leetle bit like I’m in a vanilla relationship, with the occasional rough sex. Megan and I have talked about this issue over the last couple of days.  (Gosh, it’s awesome having her here, I will post more about that later, and she may write a guest post.)  She’s dealt with the same issue in the past, and we agreed that there is no way that we would start acting like a brat to get the negative attention that would help us focus again.  We’re both too proud to precipitate a punishment, because that feels manipulative to us. 

I talked to Richard about this too (of course).  It bothers me a lot that I can’t just get my head back into D/s space on my own, like Richard seems to be able to do.  I told him that I don’t know what to do when this happens.  

He said “All you need to do is tell your Daddy.  I can help you.  You think you own your ass?  *I* own that ass, and I can spank it, and fuck it, and play with it any way I want. Let me know if you need me to do that.”

I think that’s the quote, from the Holy Grail. We had our own take on it, last night.

A quiet day, relatively uneventful. Turned the TV on to see if we could get the Superbowl, but apparently not. Haven’t watched television in a year - only Netflix movies.

So Amy and I checked out some blogs online, and found this video:

It’s about the top ten modern spanking clips, or some such. All pretty tame stuff, although I liked the final clip from “The Secretary.” We’ve added THAT movie to our Netflix queue.

So we are off to bed, and I’m running a slight fever, just enough to make me uncomfortable, but Amy and I settle down quietly.

Then I hear,” I have to ask you something.”

OK.

“May I masturbate?”

What? Working all day, a quiet evening, and now suddenly she wants to masturbate?

This could be fun.

But why?

“I was squirmy all day,” she explains, “and that last video made me real squirmy.”

I tease her about being a slut, and she tries to back out of it, but I make her masturbate anyway. Of course, I can’t just watch - sure sometimes, but not tonght. She’s just too sexy. Halfway through, I get impatient waiting for her and I make her stop so I can fuck her for a while, then I make her masturbate some more. This time I let her cum, then I take her myself and finish in her.

I wasn’t really intersted in sex this evening; too tired and not feeling good.

But making Amy masturbate…

Well, what can I say? It’s hot.

And I had such fun taunting her.

Funny how when you think you aren’t the least bit interested, desire suddenly just charges up out of nowhere and inspires the most marvelous bit of play - so nice of her to ask permission to masturbate - it made the whole evening so much more memorable!

Good girl.

A lot has been written making the distinction between BDSM and abuse, but a couple of recent posts I’ve seen whilst blog-hopping have made me want to add my two cents.

I’ll begin with the proviso that I don’t think there is any way to know for sure whether or not a relationship is abusive just from reading someone’s blog posts. Maybe they are leaving out crucial details, maybe they are exaggerating or under-reporting to make a better story (even unconsciously). One of the best things about blogs in which both partners write (like ours) is that you get a real sense of how two people can see the same situation quite differently. I’m still often surprised by Richard’s very different take on something we have done together.

Vanilla people have occasionally wandered onto our blog and been alarmed by a post in which I talk about Richard controlling me or hurting me. I think there are two main reasons that I can say with assurance that I am not being abused.

1. Consent. I have given my consent for Richard to make all decisions in our relationship. I can take away this consent at any time. Of course, that could well be a relationship-ending decision, just as making the decision to have multiple sexual partners or a same-sex partner could be a marriage-ending decision (although it needn’t be).

Richard does what he wants to me, whenever and wherever he wants. But it’s not rape and it’s not coercion because I have given a global consent, if you will, to whatever he chooses. BDSM folks refer to this as “consensual non-consent”.

The reason that I am able to comfortably give this consent to Richard, to give total power to him (Total Power Exchange = TPE, another BDSM term) is because I trust him absolutely. I trust him not to harm me, and I trust him to care for me, better even than I would care for myself. This brings me to the second reason I am sure that I am not being abused.

2. Self-esteem. I feel good about myself, I like myself, I feel sexier than I have felt in my whole life, and healthier and happier. Some of our play involves Richard humiliating or degrading me (”You are such a dirty little slut. What kind of girl gets fucked in the ass and then begs to cum? What kind of girl gets wet from being face-fucked? I have never met such a little whore in my entire life.”) After that kind of play, I feel very submissive and clingy (in a hot, sexy way) for a while, but I don’t feel bad about myself.

I have been in some less-than-healthy relationships in my past, all vanilla. I honestly think it was because I was *looking* for a D/s relationship, but didn’t know it - didn’t even know what it was. So I was attracted to older men, bigger men, domineering men, controlling men, because the submissive in me was searching for a Dominant. But they are not the same thing (although unfortunately they can be packaged together). Those relationships bordered on abusive, my relationship with Richard does not.

So how do you know whether it’s BDSM or it’s abuse? I personally think it’s pretty straightforward. Ask yourself two questions.

1. Do I feel coerced or abused? You should not. If it’s D/s, you should feel that you are in the hands of someone who is calling the shots because you gave *consent* for them to call the shots. Sure, sometimes things happen you don’t like - you get spanked or pinched or told to do something you reallyreally don’t want to do. But you should always be able to discuss it. When Richard was talking about doing orgasm control, I had a very strong knee-jerk reaction based upon a looong history of being with men who couldn’t care less whether or not I got to cum. We talked about it and he decided it that it wasn’t a good idea for me at that time. On the flip side, he will occasionally slap me and I find it just.plain.hot. even though I have seen posts where people have argued that all slapping is abuse. If you’re not allowed to talk about it, if you’re told “suck it up” and dismissed, if you feel unheard, coerced, abused…then you probably are.

2. Do I feel good about myself? You should. Being able to be myself sexually has freed me in a way I could not have imagined. Since I have been in a 24/7 D/s relationship, I am more creative, more productive at work, more loving to friends and family, more content, less judgmental, I bake better bread (OK, maybe not the last, but I was starting to nauseate myself so I needed to make a joke). If you feel worthless or unattractive or stupid or weak, particularly after spending time with your partner…then that is not a good partner for you.

All relationships require work, so I’m not saying that if you have concerns about your relationship that you should immediately bail on it. But you should certainly be talking very seriously to your partner if you feel any of these things.

P.S. I am a big fan of “bibliotherapy”, and a great book for deciding whether or not you should be in a relationship is “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It helped me get out of a really awful relationship. It is eye-opening - I highly recommend it. Here’s the link to her blog & info about the book:
http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/mirakirshenbaum

This is what happens when we don’t post regularly. Last night Richard realized he had a bit of time and decided to write a post.

“Have we done anything? What happened the last time we had sex? I can’t remember.”

“Well, yesterday you were playing with my ass, then you finger-fucked me in my ass and pussy while you teased my nipples. My own squirming woke me up. Then you…”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about that. That was fun.”

“And the day before you gave me my first punishment spanking, and then…”

“Riiiiight. Yeah, that was really hot. OK, I know what I want to write about.”

So he wrote the post (below), except he forgot a bunch of stuff. So I thought I’d give MY spin on it.

First of all, the reason I asked for a spanking (a LITTLE spanking) was because I have been getting sassier and sassier over the last couple of weeks, as my work stress levels have ramped up. Richard has been more forgiving than usual because he understands why it’s happening. But that means I haven’t been getting any negative consequences for increasingly saucy behavior.

We were talking about this while snuggled up in bed and I, feeling guilty for being mouthy and rude, suggested that maybe a LITTLE spanking would help me re-focus. At first he said “Maybe later” but then he perked up (not a good sign) and sat up on the side of the bed.

“Come over here. I’m going to give you an over-the-knee spanking.”

I hesitated. He seemed awfully keen.

“Maybe now’s not a good time. Maybe in the morning would be better?”

“NOW. Get over here. Don’t make me wait.”

So I crawled trepidatiously over to him and laid across his knees, with my toes resting on the floor and my face and arms on the bed.

SMACK!

I squealed. Usually Richard warms up my ass by some gentle spanking before he hits harder. This was really hard, right off the bat.

SMACK!

I squealed again. This one was even harder. Then he started raining down swats on my poor little ass.

I managed to gasp “This isn’t a LITTLE spanking.”

And he replied “No, it’s a punishment spanking. You have been too mouthy lately and I don’t want it to happen anymore. Maybe this will help you remember.”

Every.single.smack. hurt like the dickens. It was not stingy or thuddy, it was just plain hurty. After a while I started crying. I’ve never cried when Richard spanked me, because he’s never spanked me hard like this. Part of me was hoping that my crying would make him want to be gentler.

Doh. When will I “get it” about sadists? He didn’t slow down, he didn’t spank me softer. I suddenly noticed that his cock against my belly had become very hard. He stopped about a minute after I began crying and pulled me up and gave me a big hug and wiped my tears. But before my crying had slowed to sniffling and hiccups he pushed me down onto my back.

“Now I’m going to fuck you.”

I moaned out a “please” or “no” or something, but he just kneed my legs apart and shoved into me. I was shocked by how wet I was. My ass was still hot and sore, but that just made the contrast of the sweet, wet fucking even better.

THEN, after he’d fucked me and cum in me and made me orgasm, THEN we cuddled and touched. He forgot to mention that part.

But he was right that I needed that. I haven’t felt much need to be sassy since then. Or when I do, I keep it to myself.

Afterwards, when we were snuggling, he said “Now are you going to remember who owns you?” and I nuzzled into him, into his big chest and strong arms, and said “Yes Daddy, I’ll remember.”

Amy’s ass, no doubt in need of a good sound over the knee spanking.

 

Amy tells me I’m changing, that I’m becoming sterner and stricter with her. I’m not really aware of this, until she points things out to me that she has observed. So much of this I just do, and then once it is done it’s out of mind, and then of course forgotten.

 

A couple of days ago, in a parking lot, Amy got a little sassy. She dodges away from me, hiding her ass and giggling, so I can’t spank her. I tell her to put both hands on a car, which she immediately does. Good girl. I give her a quick swat - the spanking isn’t the point here, it’s making her obey and take her discipline.

Interestingly, I don’t feel any basic difference, but I do feel more interested in taking Amy in hand. I don’t feel like I’m becoming more dominant, I feel more interested in keeping Amy aware of my ownership and control.

It has become quite natural to take away certain decisions from Amy that I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking a few months ago, but that is the way our relationship is evolving. I don’t think I would have noticed it, except that Amy points it out.

For example, I will make her sleep at the foot of the bed without giving it much thought, whereas a few months ago it felt unusual, and even edgy. And yet it is now, that I’m more used to it, that it feels very sexy and satisfying to do it. I smack her ass pretty much all day long, any time it is within reach, just to enjoy the feel of it, which wouldn’t have occurred to me a few months ago.

A natural evolution, it seems, and one that has gone almost unnoticed by me, but not, apparently, by Amy.

We are back from San Francisco and the Folsom Street Fair.

I am so sore that I’m having trouble walking and I’m absolutely exhausted.

What a great trip!

First of all, seeing Megan was incredible. She is the second person that I have met after becoming friends on-line (Richard being the first) and she is exactly the person that she seemed to be on-line. Only more 3D, of course. I am batting a thousand - I met both my husband and my best friend on-line. Talk about lucky.

We spent the first day with her and her Master, not doing much of anything, mainly recovering from the looooong drive up (mainly long because we drove a large part of the journey on the Pacific Coast Highway and Richard wanted to stop every five miles to take pictures of seascapes and seals and rocks and…).

It was eye-opening to watch another D/s couple interact. He is much, much stricter than Richard. She was in chains when we got there, and she never sat on the furniture (so I didn’t either, to keep her company) and when she left the room she would walk backwards out of it, so as not to turn her back on him.

I was very bad and teased her about things that I knew she didn’t like. This back-fired occasionally, unfortunately. She brought out this GIANT buttplug that he’d just bought and I said “How could you even fit that in your MOUTH, much less your ass?”

She looked at me with big eyes and said “I can’t believe you just said that.”

Her Master said “Yes, Megan, let’s see if you can fit that in your mouth.”

Which she could.

And then she said “Now let’s see if you could fit it in YOUR mouth, Miss Amy.”

And Richard said “Yes, let’s see.”

It kinda freaked me out to be putting someone else’s buttplug in my mouth (understatement) and I tried three or four times but couldn’t get it all in without gagging horribly.

But there is no way something that size could fit in my ass. No way. I don’t know how people do that.

After a couple of interactions like that, Richard pointed out that I probably should try filtering a bit more when I’m around other D/s couples. Which I tried to do, with mixed success.

On our last day, when we were at the Folsom Street Fair (will post later about this, and Richard has some awesome photos), Richard was off photographing people and Megan, her Master and I were walking along. Actually, he was leading, holding onto Megan’s hand, and I was trailing along with my fingers hooked into the belt of Megan’s schoolgirl skirt.

I saw a tattoo and piercing tent and said “Look Megan! We can get clit piercings!”

Her Master turned around and said “That’s a great idea. Have you and Richard talked about that?”

Megan said “Way to go Amy!”

Hooboy. I was scared. I said “Weeeellll. We’ve talked about it a little bit.”

He said “Maybe we could get a deal if we got two done at the same time.”

I said “Weeeellll. I dunno.”

He said “Why am I talking to you about this? I need to talk to the boss.” And he headed off to find Richard, with us in tow.

Richard came striding toward us, grinning, with his camera in his hand. He was so happy that day. I don’t think he stopped for even one second. It was really, really hard to keep track of him and stay with Megan and her Master. I got scolded by him a couple of times for being bossy, when I tried to get him to move along when they were waiting for us.

Richard said “Not today” to my relief. Later he told me that he did not think that piercings or tattoos were appropriate for me at all. Whew.

We walked over to the tent and Megan’s Master talked to the piercing people and they took her into a back tent and pierced her clit while he took photos.

I got really shaken up while we were waiting for them because I felt like it was my fault that Megan was going to be in pain now. Me and my big mouth. I started crying.

Richard reminded me *again* that I needed to be more careful what I said when we were with D/s couples, but said that her clit-piercing wasn’t my fault. They have a different dynamic than we do, and most importantly Megan is a big-time pain slut. She probably wanted this.

She came out from the tent and was a bit shaky, so we went and had Indian food and watched the fair-goers for a while. I kept my sunglasses on even though we were inside because I was afraid I would start crying again. I felt like she wasn’t going to want to be my friend if I kept saying stupid stuff that got her into trouble.

Megan realized I was upset when I tried to answer a question and my voice was wobbly. They were both really sweet to me then, and explained that they had been talking about this for a few weeks, and 30 minutes before she had asked if they were going to do it that day. So I felt like a newbie idjit but also relieved.

We got home yesterday, and today I asked Richard if we could please order a ballgag, which we did. I hope it helps.

Gosh, I have so much to post about - a wild new club, the Folsom Street Fair, a bunch of leather shops, and spending several days with another D/s couple and my sweet Megan! I’ve had several new realizations about myself and about us as a D/s couple that will take some time to write about. More later!