Another level of submission
I posted almost a year ago (Sept 3 “Joseph and the Pharaoh”) about the challenges I faced when Richard took over running our home. Honestly, it was one of the hardest tests of submission for me.
I know it sounds ridiculous - “Oh, no, please don’t take over cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming, Cruel Master!” But I’ve been in charge of running my home throughout my adult life, and handing over that responsibility to someone else was hard. Really hard. It’s hard to feel submissive to someone when they are PUTTING THE GLASSES ON THE WRONG SHELF FOR GOD’S SAKE.
Over the course of the year I have gradually become comfortable with giving up control of homemaking to Richard. I still do most of the gardening, most of the “event planning”, and most of the organizing (he just doesn’t notice if books are put away upside down or sideways). I also pay the bills and make most of the financial decisions, although I always check with Richard before doing anything major (eg switching credit cards, opening an online savings account, or making a large purchase).
My financial responsibilities have been a bit wearing. We are in good financial shape, and I never pay anything late, or anything like that. But we aren’t really saving like I think we should be, and I think we are eating out too much and spending money on things that we don’t really need. The main problem, as I see it, is that neither Richard nor I have ever been the “brakes” in a relationship. We both are somewhat impulsive and enjoy change, and we have a whole lot of fun together. Neither of us wants to be the one who says “let’s NOT go out, let’s just eat at home” or “let’s not have wine with dinner” or “we don’t really need that new (whatever)”.
Neither of us has expensive tastes and we tend to want to buy things more for the other person than ourselves (Richard wants me to have more clothes; I want him to have more photography supplies). And, again, we’re actually on very solid financial footing. I just think we could do better, and it’s been bothering me a lot because I feel like I am shirking my responsibilities.
Richard brought up the possibility of taking over the finances a few times, but I felt too guilty to pursue it and he was (I think) unwilling to push me on it. A few days ago he brought it up again, probably because he could see how much it was bothering me. I chewed on it for a couple of days and then let him know that I was ready.
Yesterday, we sat down together and I walked him through our system - the online accounts, the files, etc. I reviewed everything I do regularly and explained what I was aiming for. I gave him all the passwords.
He listened and asked questions and then, when I’d covered everything, he took a stack of filing and went through everything. Since I got sick in December, I haven’t caught up on the financial filing and it was quite a stack. He worked through the whole thing, asking me questions when he didn’t know where something went.
When he finished, I thanked him and then I started crying. I was so surprised - he was too - but I think I’ve been more stressed about this than I had been letting on. I felt (feel) so grateful to him for being willing to take over this. I kept saying “thank you, thank you so much Daddy” and then I’d start bawling again. He just held me and patted me and said “It’s okay. It’s my job to take care of you.”
I’m hoping that this will take some pressure off, and I’m hoping that I will get some kinky pleasure out of submitting to his financial decisions. Maybe I’ll even get an allowance. : ) For now, I still feel a little panicky about not being in control of when bills are paid, etc. I just keep reminding myself of how hard it was when he first started taking care of our home, and how wonderful that has been for me (basically doubling my work productivity!)
I’d love to hear how other couples have dealt with this, and what works best for them.
xoAmy
We have been going through that too. He is in charge of all things financial. We have almost a Taken in Hand relationship. That’s just how we want it and how it works for us. We have both tried it other ways and they didn’t work. So, we are trying it this way.
I have had trouble a couple times when things were tight simply trusting Him to take care of us. I’m so used to partners who don’t care if a utility gets turned off, or a bill not paid. He knows this, and works with me. If He sees I am getting worked up over something, He generally waits until I realize it, talk to Him about it, then tell him that I know what I am doing and will shut up and trust Him. Once that happens, He rewards me by sitting down and talking it through and showing me how it will all happen.
I still have moments where I get tweaked out. He talks me through it and shows unending patience with me. It takes much communication, and occasionally a slippage of roles. Just keep in mind you guys are married, and in that you take care of each other. This is part of his way of taking care of you. You can also look at it as in letting him do this, you are taking care of Richard and his need to take care of you.
Comment by His.stormy — August 4, 2008 @ 7:09 pm
I am not in a D/s relationship, so I am not sure if you want my comment. But here it is anyway. My partner, who is also female, takes care of all things financial. We have been together for 21 years and until recently we made a living as artists. That means, as you know, no regular paycheck and no security (like 6 months of the year with no money coming in). But my partner is a financial wizard, and she managed to not only get us through, but also help us thrive. I like to spend money and early on I wanted stuff. She created an envelope system where cash (we dealt mostly in cash) was allocated in envelopes for groceries and entertainment, and I could spend these as I wanted, but when the money was gone there was no more till next month. So basically I got an allowance. I liked it since it challenged me to be frugal. Meanwhile, she was and is in charge of the big financial picture. I found it incredibly freeing not to worry about money. I am happier for it.
But on vacation all is reversed. She hands me the money and I pay for everything. This way she gets the joy of relaxing and not worrying how things are going, and I get to feel the joy of a big wad of cash.
Our lives have changed recently in that she went back to school for an engineering degree and has a full time job. Now we use bankcards and that is a whole new challenge for me, since those sneaky banks make it so easy to spend money without realizing how it adds up. And I am considering taking over the bill paying etc, because she works so much already. We will see how that goes for both of us.
Comment by latebloomer — August 5, 2008 @ 6:51 am
Stormy, your system sounds wonderful and I hope that is where we are heading. I sometimes think that D/s works so well BECAUSE we have to communicate so much.
latebloomer, I meant to take out the “D/s” because I was generally curious about how people deal with finances in their relationship. Thanks for posting anyway, and I will change that. You have a great system, and I love that you switch on vacations. (oooh maybe you’re a switch :D) I agree, bank cards have the potential for evil. We try to mainly use one card that we get 3-5% credit on. That way the convenience & the financial reward balance (hopefully) the challenge of not overspending.
Comment by Amy — August 5, 2008 @ 8:27 am
Very interesting comments, thank you. I’ve made my living generally through marketing my own services, and artwork as well, so your post resonated with me in that way, latebloomer. I’ve never had much financial security before Amy, and I’m very reluctant to interfere with what she seems to have handled so well. I do like to be cautious, and I’m in favour of saving, so philosophically Amy and I match up well together. I will probably do a post on this as well, although I’d like to see more comments on this.
His.stormy, I have always looked at this as one of the ways Amy takes care of me. A good observation!
Comment by Richard — August 5, 2008 @ 9:02 am
When we first got together, The Knight dealt with everything financial. While I was working outside the home I handed over my paychecks and he did with them what he needed to do, though they were extra funds. I didn’t know the finances, so I didn’t know what we could afford or not, etc. So when we moved he sat me down and gave me the account passwords and copies of the bills. Talk about terrified!
His thought process was that he had been doing it long enough and now I could handle it since I was running the rest of the household. I hated the thought of being responsible for our family finances because the pressure was more than I could handle. I fear screwing up anyway but then he added money to it and I was an absolute basketcase!
Now I’m ok with it. The cancer diagnosis makes it more challenging because there are months that we have to decide whether we’re paying bill x or paying for my treatments, but other than that, it works the same. He’s not ever gotten angry at me for how I’ve handled the finances, so it’s all good.(Sometimes I wish I could work and bring in money though. Then I think I wouldn’t stress as much.)
I was glad to read this post. I like knowing that someone elses D/s relationship is about more than fabulously hot sex…that ours is not the only one that deals with real life stuff
Comment by The Butterfly Temptress — August 6, 2008 @ 9:40 am
Amy -
I hope the new arrangement works out well for you and Richard. Daddy takes care of all our finances and has since pretty early on. This was a HUGE hurtle for me for a couple of reasons- 1) I am an owner and the CFO at my company and money management is my thing, and 2) I don’t like any body messing with my finances. (correction - didn’t like). In our house Daddy takes care of everything financial - I don’t open the mail, just put it in the office and he lets me know if there is anything I need to read like stuff from the school, etc. I get an allowance once a month.
I spend whatever I need to on grocery’s, but anything else I need permission for except my allowance. At first, the novelty of having to ask for everything was really cool and made me feel warm and fuzzy (you know that submissive kind of tingle). Then, the novelty of asking for everything wore off and I really struggled for a bit. Sometimes I would rather do without than have to ask (the whole argument in my head, “I’m a grown woman and I make XX dollars per year and I’m the boss at work, why am I asking if I can buy a $10 shirt.” It was definitely a power kind of thing because Daddy never said no I couldn’t have something. I just didn’t want to have to ask - in my head I just thought it was stupid or silly until I realized that I really DID have to ask then I got a little aggravated about it. I wasn’t openly aggravated but there was a lot going through my head.
Anyway, back to the subject. For us, the money part of our relationship was a really big thing and it has been really good. The finances were just one more part of him taking control and me giving it up.
We are getting ready to start a new huge project and I’m sure we’ll have our challenges on the finance end of things. We’re putting an offer in on 30 acres of land and are going to build our dream home. Daddy has worked out all the numbers and I’m just along for the ride, waiting for my instructions.
take care,
junebug
Comment by junebug — August 7, 2008 @ 9:09 am
When my soon-to-be ex-husband and I got together, he seemed to naturally assume financial responsibility. After years and years as a single mother, I happily gave over. It’s a tiring task to deal with all that shit. However, I kept my own bank account and gave him a portion of my income, and saved some for independent expenditures. When I asked him for reasons why he wanted the split, finances was on the list. Evidently, it wore on him heavily.
Taking care of the finances is a huge responsibility. And a time-consuming one. As I’m about to rediscover.
By the sounds of it, you need what Richard has offered. If he wants to take it on, remove that source of anxiety for you, that’s a lovely gift. A happy Amy is a more beautiful and less stressed Amy. It might even help with the migraines!
Comment by Sulpicia — August 8, 2008 @ 9:49 am
Butterfly Temptress - your system sounds like it is working well for you, as a service to the Knight. I’m sorry that you have the double stress of dealing with cancer and having to be worried about how to pay for your treatment. Take care of yourself.
junebug, First of all, I am SO jealous that you are buying land and building on it. That is such a fantasy of mine!! And I really appreciated reading your story; it sounds very like how I am/will be feeling!
sulpicia, Wow. Wouldn’t it have been nice for him to TELL you it was an issue? Argh. And you are right (of course, as usual :D) about this being a wonderful gift.
Comment by Amy — August 8, 2008 @ 11:22 am
Daddy and I are not married, so we still have totally separate finances. Money is not really something that stresses me out to manage, and we do fine with me giving him a set amount of money to cover my portion of the household expenses each month, since all the bills are in his name. For things like groceries and other things, we just take turns. It’s worked well for both of us.
Incidentally, I really love reading about all the real-world things, like kids and finances, that you two deal with in your relationship. I love how it slowly permeates most aspects of your lives, it seems. I can see Daddy and me heading to this place eventually, even though it’s not time for that yet.
I would also love to read a post (unless you already have one somewhere) on the worries/ stresses/ benefits of blogging about your life online, and how much control Richard has over what Amy posts, etc.
Comment by Daddy's Lucy — August 9, 2008 @ 5:43 pm
This was a HARD area for me to give up! I was the end all for finances for manyyyyyy years! But alas I gave it up. I remember being so stressed about asking for money - etc. To me holding the money was not having to *gasp* ask!
I told him this and he said, “You can have money anytime you want. My wallet can be found through the front zipper of my pants.” lol
Just close your eyes and let go —- the rest is cake.
Comment by hope — August 10, 2008 @ 9:46 pm
Daddy’s Lucy, I’m glad you liked the post - I was a bit worried that it would be hideously boring to everybody. And neat idea for a post - I’ll ask Richard about that. Thanks!
hope, I snorted when I read what he said. Too funny. And letting go - yup, that’s the hard part.
Comment by Amy — August 11, 2008 @ 8:09 am