Princess or Pervert?
It has been a while since anything Richard has chosen to do to me has shaken me. Some of you will remember that earlier in our relationship, I would regularly experience a crisis of confidence after Richard had ramped things up - by making me sleep at the foot of the bed, or talking about forcing me to have a threesome, or denying me an orgasm.
After each of these things happened for the first time, I would spend a few days processing them. “How can I be a slave, property, a toy, and be loved, too?” was a recurring theme that I would ponder.
I was still learning to accept that I am sexually submissive. The vanilla part of me couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I was happier and more in love than I have ever been…with a man who is a sadist. A man who wants to control me and hurt me. A man who gets hard when I cry out in pain as he bites me or twists my nipple. Didn’t that make me a pervert?
Richard’s take on this: “So we’re perverts. So what?”
When we visited Megan and her Master a few weeks ago, I experienced a different sort of crisis of confidence when I saw how much more Megan’s Master demanded of her. It made me wonder if I were a pampered princess.
I don’t “top from the bottom”. Richard gets what Richard wants, and he gets it when he wants it. It is not always what I want. But he is a very nurturing and sensitive Master. He is more protective of me than I am. I am not allowed to open my own doors, I can’t open soda cans now that I have acrylic fingernails (and when I did it on my own, boy was I sorry!), he watches that I get enough sleep and don’t work too hard. He monitors how often I orgasm! If I haven’t had an orgasm in a couple of days, he makes it a priority before we go to sleep at night, more of a priority than him having an orgasm.
Doesn’t that sound like more of a princess than a slave?
Megan, as usual, has been wonderfully supportive about this. She could tell that I was feeling insecure and worried about it all, and she took pains to point out the differences in our needs and our dynamics: she is more experienced, she is a pain slut, she is an exhibitionist and loves humiliation play.
Richard simply said that, as he always has, he will continue to demand what he wants from me or simply take it. For him, it’s about control. Giving me pleasure or giving me pain are equivalent, if they lead to him having more control over me. (Not sure I said that right, but I think that’s the gist of it.)
So. Last night. Richard has spent the last three days photographing the southern California fires. He comes home at night dirty, exhausted and aggressive. He has a shower, I feed him dinner and make him a Jack Daniels. Then a second.
We go to bed early, snuggle up and I begin to nod off. But Richard hasn’t been able to settle, and he begins to play with my breasts. Instant squirminess for me. Then he grabs me by the hair and shoves my face down onto his cock. I begin sucking him and playing with his balls. Oh, he tastes so good. Finally I can’t take it anymore and I crawl up his body and slide onto his cock.
…It’s as if I unleashed a beast…
He growls and grabs my hips and starts fucking deep into me. (OK, when I used to fuck “Female Superior” in my vanilla days, I felt very in charge. How can the same position feel so very different with him?)
Then he starts talking about what a slut I am, how he’s never been with anyone even half as slutty as I am, how I need to fuck all the time and he loves it, and how he needs to share me with other men because I need to fuck so much. And he starts handling my breasts as he says all this, and tells me that when he plays with my breasts I turn into such a slut that I would fuck anyone or do anything he said.
Which maybe is true, because I completely lose control when he is playing with my breasts. I can’t see straight, I can’t stop my hips from grinding against him, I can’t stop from moaning and begging.
After he fucks me for a while, I reallyreally need a drink of water. The dry, smoky air here right now isn’t helping. I ask if I can get a drink.
“You want a drink? Right now? Wow, that’s a bit of a mood killer, isn’t it, little girl?”
“Please Daddy. I really need a drink.”
He’s silent for a minute. I wait, perched on top of him.
“Fine. Go get some water. But you have to crawl to the bathroom to get it.”
My mind whirls. He’s never made me crawl before. How humiliating. Maybe I don’t need water so much. I hesitate.
“You’re going to go get the water. Do it now.”
I climb off of him and slowly crawl into the bathroom. He watches me the whole way.
As I fill the water bottle, I realize that he didn’t tell me to crawl BACK. For a moment, I play with the idea of walking back. But then I think that maybe that wouldn’t be a good idea. So I crawl back, holding onto the bottle with one hand.
He grabs me by the hair and pulls me back into the bed, where he fucks me for hours, taunting me with how wet I am and making me cum so hard that every touch of his sends jolts through me for over an hour afterward.
Today I don’t feel like a princess. Today I’m back to thinking that I am a big-time pervert. But I’m a very turned-on pervert. This will take some processing.
Hmmm, I think it is perhaps a drawback of blogging that we know in such detail what other subs are doing, we almost can’t help but compare ourselves to them. I really like where you went with this piece, reaffirming that what you do is just right for you. And I think there’s always a bit of the princess in being Daddy’s girl.
Nelle
Comment by Nelle — October 25, 2007 @ 11:46 pm
I totally relate to the convulated feelings that crawling raises.
Comment by jdsgirl — October 26, 2007 @ 5:44 am
Okay, dyslexia has set in, I read that and reread it, and now that it’s on the blog, I see that I can’t spell for CRAP this morning!
Comment by jdsgirl — October 26, 2007 @ 5:46 am
amy, I would caution you not to compare your relationship with others. Richard takes care of his property the way he sees fit. He pampers you the way he would a high performance sports car… a very fine one I must say. In exchange you perform in a manner that is most rewarding to him.
Myself and lil pet have read your blog since day one and I have always admired the balance that Richard has maintained in your relationship. I also try to achieve that balance, however I do it in the context of our relationship.
In other words, like or dislike attributes of other relationships and even apply them to yours but always remember that every relationship is unique and all that matters is that you are both happy in it. Sorry about the length of this.
I would also like to thank you amy for your comments on our blog and adding us to your blog roll.
Comment by SoulKeeper — October 26, 2007 @ 7:02 am
Oh you’re such a princess…
a LUCKY little princess!!! *grin*
Comment by Selena Kitt — October 26, 2007 @ 8:01 am
“He growls and grabs my hips and starts fucking deep into me.”
Why does that turn me on sooo much? Dunno, but it does.
I think it sounds like you guys have an excellent relationship and will do just fine
Comment by Imelda Imelda — October 26, 2007 @ 9:29 am
your relationship seems to be working very very well you both have a very sensual dynamic that fits very well. there is nothing wrong at all with being a pervert you should embrace your perversity.
Comment by robert e jones — October 26, 2007 @ 11:20 am
I wanted to comment about the nice balance that Richard seems to be able to maintain in your relationship, and SoulKeeper expressed my thought pretty accurately..
my relationships are different in nature, but I feel it’s still all about ‘balance’. hard thing to achieve, admirable, actually..
Comment by Coquette In Bed — October 26, 2007 @ 2:44 pm
Amy - you may find this difficult to believe, but I actually feel envious of how you post that you and Richard are being who really are together (meaning your real self instead of acting in a way designed for others approval). Daily I find myself struggling with whether or I am being me, or am I doing things because of what has been impressed on me through others (or society, or whatever it might be).
Comment by The Silent Male — October 26, 2007 @ 7:30 pm
Amy,
Again, you have blown me away with your writings!! Things have taken a back seat in my life at the mo, due to personal matters with J. Hopefully though, give it another few weeks & we should be back to normal!! I read this & feel so jealous as to what you have both got, but then I think to what I hopefully will have & I can’t wait to be the one made to crawl to get things!! How I will feel when it actually happens, i don’t know, but it’s the not knowing that makes it exciting!!
Heilan
xxxxxxxx
Comment by Heilan — October 27, 2007 @ 11:23 am
How you are subservient to Richard is personal between the two of you. There is no point in comparing yourself to others. As would be true regardless of the relationship dynamic. I get the impression that Richard’s deep love for you would prevent him ever forcing you to do something truly beyond your abilities or desires, but he is going to keep pushing your boundaries as you grow together. That’s the nature of the beast.
Comment by Bunny — October 27, 2007 @ 6:03 pm
Often the biggest Doms I’ve ever known have also been the most nurturing people. (Providing they are doing it out of good motives.) I think part of me was drawn to submission because I’m kind of a spoiled princess–I don’t like having to make decisions, or do much for myself. It’s just one of those funny little ways in which BDSM deconstructs itself. That’s why you’ve chosen the parental metaphor: parents both punish and nurture their children, as Nelle pointed out. And after all, if this is a loving relationship, isn’t that what you want? The balance sounds very healthy to me.
Comment by Marcelle Manhattan — October 29, 2007 @ 7:16 am
I shouldn’t worry overly about whether you fit some pre-cut template of what is generally understood to be a “submissive” or “slave”. (I use inverted commas as I am not keen on such labels. We are all far too multi-faceted for fixed terms, in my opinion.) Your relationship is unique, as is mine, as is everyone elses. The Pervy Police are not going to turn up with a clipboard and a checklist and take away your Kink License, you know.
Comment by Luka — October 29, 2007 @ 1:03 pm
How about keeping things simple and being a perverted princess??
Comment by Sulpicia — October 30, 2007 @ 12:21 am
i too am a Daddy’s girl… i am very much His princess. He is nurturing, loving, and takes pride in His property. i understand your post very much. When you spoke not ever opening a door… etc. It is exactly how He is with me. i am very much His slut.. for His pleasure. With Him, i am allowed to be that slut and never judged for my “kinkiness” as He refers to it lol i am not a pain slut …it is about the control and how far i will go to please Him. i compared us for awhile to others and realized each relationship is different.. We found Our balance… We are who We are… and it’s just right for us. i was very much in need of a Daddy Dom.
essence
Comment by essences — October 31, 2007 @ 4:33 am
YOU crawled for him. But we have yet to hear how you crawled for him. There can be something so incredibly sexy in the way a woman crawls for a man. I think that you are unaware of the power you may exert on him. You may not even do it consciously. But I have crawled in a way that makes me want to give up control and simple fuck me… And I know it. I am in control… they aren’t!
Comment by DevilblueDress — November 1, 2007 @ 7:23 pm
I just wanted to say that I adore your writings! I’m a rather virginal college student who’s been struggling to get in touch with her sexuality from…well, rather early on in life; I suppose I was precocious, and have always been a bit of an overthinker starting from an early age. I haven’t been able to express this to anyone but reading blogs like yours and others have really eased my mind in regards to the many, many dimensions of sexuality. I guess I’d like to thank you!
I hope I can figure what it is I want one day when I’ve gone a little further in life.
Comment by Autumn — November 1, 2007 @ 9:23 pm
There is no point in comparing yourself to others.
Comment by Young babe — November 3, 2007 @ 2:06 pm
Im really enjoying learning about the different types of dom/sub relationship… and I love the idea of the crawling. Like Devilbluedress said I can imagine that there is more than one way in which to crawl x
Comment by havingmycake — November 3, 2007 @ 2:15 pm
I’m sooo jealous! but i love your site-although i was thinking does he ever feel a little jealous when you are fucking someone else with him there?
Comment by Suzanne512 — November 4, 2007 @ 6:17 pm
did i miss the “we-shall-be-away-for-a-long-time” post?
Comment by sulpiciapast — November 4, 2007 @ 9:34 pm
and i missed the post stating that Amy fucks other men while Richard watches!
Comment by denise — November 5, 2007 @ 4:20 pm
we oh so miss you… hope all is well.
Comment by Cupids Pet — November 7, 2007 @ 6:30 pm
Richard and amy, this is my first time posting anything anywhere on the internet. my Daddy has been viewing your site for some time now and just recently gave me a homework assignment to study your site. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i LOVE it!!! i read it every spare minute that He allows me (my Daddy keeps me very busy.) Since i am new to all of this internet blog stuff, i have nothing to compare your site to. Since my Daddy has been reading your site (and many others,) He says yours is the best. And, after only a few day’s of reading it, i agree.
i too, am a princess, pervert and Daddy’s lil girl!!! i have always wanted (needed) a Daddy - stems from childhood issues in my life. About 3 years ago, my Husband and i began touching on this issue and testing the waters of this incredible dynamic relationship. i am so happy to have learned of your site. i will be showing my Daddy my gratitude for days to come. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights into this incredibly dynamic relationship.
Daddy’s lil g,
dianne.
Comment by diane — January 30, 2008 @ 12:36 pm