24.7

Amy checking out the golf course behind our room.

I just wanted to add a bit about our stay at the resort out near Palm Springs before going on.  We had the kids, and in the same room as us, so this was a very family oriented holiday.  Quite spontaneously entered into, as I believe Amy as already pointed out.

Almost all I saw of her for two days.

Amy’s first time in a “Lazy River” style of water ride.  She’s never been to a real waterpark - seems rather tragic!  Anyway, she likes to ride low in the water and shut out the distractions - whereas I’m always riding high on the tube and looking to cause trouble.

Amy thinks this picture is redundant - she thinks nobody wants to see another cleavage shot of her.

Turned out to be a great adventure for all of us, a mini holiday with lots of water time.

I always tell Amy that we aren’t kinky, we’re just Ricky and Lucy Ricardo.  Mainstream, no different than everybody else.  A typical, if retro married couple with a 50s-style society-approved male dominant-female submissive relationship.

She begs to differ.

Well, as long as she’s begging, it’s all good.

So how do we handle D/s and family life?  What do we do about D/s and the kids?

My family with Amy is my second time with children.  A lot of these issues I’ve already gone over with my original children.

I used to keep secrets.  I had a skill at hiding who I really was, at keeping my own needs subordinate to what my partner needed and this turned out to be damaging. Extremely so, I was co-dependent in an increasingly dysfunctional relationship, that eventually came apart.

It bothered me that I hadn’t been able to provide my children with a stable home life like the one I’d had growing up.  Instead, now they had to deal with parental conflict, extended travel, time split between two homes in opposition, etc.  One bit of wisdom really stayed with me from that time; the idea that all we owe our children is the truth about who we are.

I like that idea - not that it is ALL we owe our children, but that children can make better judgements about life if they aren’t confused by their own parents lies to them.

So I don’t lie to my kids.

They ask a question, it gets answered.

Simple.

Parenting is easy.  Painful, sure, but easy.  As long as you don’t mind putting everything out there, and let them think of you what they will.

I don’t care what my kids think of me.  It’s irrelevant.  They can see me as a nice guy, or as a total bastard, it’s all good.  I am who I am, and I’m not invested in whether they see me as a good parent, bad parent, etc.

Same thing goes for blog readers, too :)  I like to express myself so my concept is clear, but I’m pretty indifferent to what any reader’s judgments are. Makes it way easier to write a blog like this.  (And then again, claiming to be indifferent could be an elaborate ruse to fake sincerity.  You make the call)

I don’t think there was ever a time when my original children weren’t aware of alternative relationships.  With a large extended family, we had everything from right wing religious couples to a gay uncle.  My ex-wife and I weren’t judgmental about any of those life directions, and were very straightforward in answering questions as they arose.  The whole “birds and the bees” thing was always looked at as a biological issue infused with emotion, or lust at least.

Dinnertime with my kids would include topics from politics to abortion to alternative sexuality.  No topic of discussion was taboo, from any age, and any question would get explained, and I’d give my opinions of issues, and they were welcome to have and express their own.  Which they did.  Especially my daughter.

I didn’t do anything sexual in front of my children.  Not in my vanilla marriage, and not in any more D/s relationship that followed.

And now with Amy, it’s very much the same.  I’m an aggressive guy.  I don’t dial that back.  I like to hunt and pursue.

And catch.

With the kids around, I do that with Amy by flirting with her.  We’re a playful couple, lots of joking and teasing.

Your children always figure out who you are eventually.  So there’s no point in trying to fake anything; that just lets them know you are dishonest and uncomfortable with who you are.

Nor do you behave inappropriately in front of them.  You don’t involve them in your sex life or particular fetish.  Humiliation play etc. is fine, but not appropriate in front of kids.  Nor is it appropriate in public - go to clubs for those things, where people are expecting stuff of that nature.  I don’t like to do anything too far out of the norm in front of anyone who hasn’t consented to being a part of it.  But that’s another whole issue.

Our kids know that I behave aggressively towards Amy.  I’ll pull her close, kiss her, flirt with her, openly adore her.  She asks my opinion on things, and gives her own.  I don’t issue orders and expect her to obey, etc in front of them.  I treat her with the deference and politeness she deserves, as any human deserves.  Humiliation kink, since it is arousing, is something only done in private.  (And it’s not THAT arousing, so it’s not done that often. Or maybe too often, since it’s not a big fan favorite with Amy.  Go figure.)

We are D/s 24/7 not because we are playing at it, because it’s who we are.   It feels right.  Actually, it doesn’t really feel like anything at all.

It’s just normal.

One of our readers (justdave) asked how we handled our relationship with kids around, particularly since we are a blended family. It was great timing, because there was a thread about this topic over at Fetlife that got a bit ugly (in part thanks to me, I’m afraid). I think the problem was that people who aren’t 24/7 have trouble with the distinction between kinky sexual play and relationship dynamics (eg a bedroom submissive said “most relationships with unequal power are abusive” WTF???). This was exacerbated by the fact that the issue is not a black and white one, as many would like it to be. Anyway, I’ll tell you what we do and why, and I’m curious to hear what others do and what they think about all this.

What we don’t do
We don’t do or say anything sexual around the kids. Well, except they are in their early teen years, so they make off-color jokes a bit and we don’t stomp on that. So, just like most vanilla couples, we save the groping and deep kisses for when we are alone. We also save the spankings and bondage and dirty talking for when we are alone. Most but not all people would agree with this.

I personally don’t make this choice because of the children’s age, I make it because they would not be consensual participants if we were sexual in front of them. I make the same choice about exposing other people (family, friends, strangers on the street) to my sexual behavior. Note that I am not saying “my kink”, because I feel this about any kind of sexual behavior, not just kinky behavior.

This last point is a gray area, because you could also make the argument that people (adults anyway) SHOULD be exposed to more kinky sexual behavior, so that they realize it is…common (was gonna say normal, but maybe not :)). Certainly I would fight very hard to support gay couples’ right to hold hands, be affectionate and kiss in public (maybe not so much the genital groping but whatever). So for those of you who WANT to be led around by a leash in public, I say go for it! I’m a little less thrilled by the what seems to be common Domly desire to require a submissive to leave her panties for an unsuspecting waitress, but again, whatever.

In the Fetlife thread I referred to earlier, a few people said they’d be really irritated if someone was behaving kinkily in public in front of their children, because why should they have to explain that to their kids? I don’t have much sympathy for that point of view. My kids learned about gays very early in their life, because they have both lesbians and gay men as relatives. It was an easy, no-brainer conversation: “Some women like men, some women like women. Aunt Beatrice likes women.” My kids were kind of like “OK. Can we go play now?”

Honestly, I would welcome the opportunity that some public BDSM behavior would offer for a conversation with my kids. Sadly that is unlikely to occur where we live (I so fantasize about moving to San Francisco). However, I’ve had a couple of good, introductory conversations with my eldest child who is a BIG fan of Twilight. Any of you read Twilight? OMG, Edward (the vampire) is a TOTAL Dom, and Bella is waaaaaaay submissive. My girl got very sad after reading the first book because she said she would never meet a guy like Edward. We talked about what she found appealing in him. Dangerous but nurturing. Protective but domineering. Aggressive but gentle. Completely focused on Bella. I finally said “Dude. Check out your stepdad. Is he not Edward?” And it was like a light came on. She got it.

Since then, she has started conversations with me about sexuality (we had the “where do babies come from” a very long time ago). For one thing, she wanted to know if she was a lesbian, since she thought women’s bodies were really beautiful. I said a) no, and b) it would be okay if you are, as long as you c) still have grandbabies for me (she knows the last is a joke). She also wanted to talk about Edward and Bella’s relationship more, and we ended up talking about D/s and power exchange and switching and role playing. I didn’t speak specifically about Richard’s and my relationship, but I did tell her that I was submissive. She was so open and interested that it kind of blew me away. Which I said. It was a really wonderful talk.

What we do
I call Richard “Daddy” and he calls me “baby girl” in front of the kids. The first couple of times it slipped out, I got embarrassed and a bit worried, but they didn’t even notice. When I worry about it, I remind myself that it is very much a white, middle-class “issue”. African American and Hispanic women often call their man “Daddy”. My kids have friends of many ethnicities and cultures, and I just don’t think they notice stuff like that. In fact, my grandmother called my grandfather Daddy (he called her “Momma”, not “baby girl” however).

I am always respectful and deferential to Richard in front of the kids. And he is to me as well. He insists on opening my car door, he won’t allow me to carry packages, he won’t eat until I sit down at the table. My little one now races Richard to get to my car door! Isn’t that sweet? I love it that my children are seeing their mother treated with respect and love.

The main way we behave differently from a vanilla couple is that he will occasionally command me in a teasing way and…I always respond by doing what he says. In any other relationship I would have argued or said “fuck off” if someone had done that. The kids definitely notice this and I’m not sure what I think about that. One nice thing is that they will tease me now too. If I kind of “talk back” one of them will say “Oooooh you’re gonna get it now Momma!” and laugh and offer to help Richard catch me if I run away. So I guess they see it as flirting; certainly it is always very light-hearted and loving.

The part of this that I guess I am still wrestling with is that I am NOT a “taken in hand” wife. I don’t believe that God wanted men to be Dominant and women to be submissive. In many ways our relationship looks like a traditional one, and I feel extremely comfortable in it, but I don’t see it as inherently more desirable or natural than (for example) a FemDom/malesub relationship. I guess I’d rather my kids know that I’m kinky than to think I’m June Cleaver. If that makes any sense at all.

*I posted this and kept ruminating about that last line. “I guess I’d rather my kids know that I’m kinky than to think I’m June Cleaver.” It resonated with me so strongly. I realized, and want to clarify here, that what I want my kids to get from our relationship is that alternative sexuality/relationships are fine, NOT that women should obey their husbands. Thinking about that, I guess I am going to have to have some kind of a sit-down with them at some point. I will continue to ponder this. Another example of why writing a blog is such a positive experience.

Well, I’ve gone on and on and on, and I have grilled pizzas to make for dinner tonight (Hawaiian for the kids; something less fruity for us). I’m sure I’ve forgotten a million things I wanted to say, but maybe you will say them, or I will make another post or maybe they’re just not that important.xoAmy

I just got a request from one of our readers (SherbetBerry at Fetlife) to talk a bit more about sub-drop.  I feel like a bit of a faker writing about it, since I’ve only experienced it the once.   I’m still at the stage of shaking my head and saying “Jeez, what hit me?” (And I don’t mean Richard the Flogger. lol)  I thought I might instead ask readers with more experience to post their thoughts about it.  Wouldja?  See also sulpicia’s blog (on our blogroll) for a recent post about the same.

SherbetBerry got me thinking more generally about reader requests.  We used to get more than we do now and I just realized that our email addresses are not on this site (they were on the old site.)  I shall address that today.  FYI, my email address is [email protected].

I would also like to ask, for those of you who are comfortable responding here, to let us know about what you like or don’t like and what you would like to hear or see more (and if you’d like to remain anonymous, just give yourself a silly name, so I can distinguish between you eg QuietPerson or Lurker : )).  For example, more posts by Richard?  Pictures of Richard?  (Do you like how I’m making more work for Richard?  I’m sure my ass will hear about it when he reads this post. hehe) 

Seriously though, do you have questions about previous posts that weren’t answered?  Is there something we haven’t written about that you want to know more about?  What are your favorite posts to read?  (That will help me think about things to focus on in future.)

I have a few topics of my own that I hope to write about in the next couple of weeks, but it would be GREAT to get input from you on your interests and preferences.  I sometimes think if readers knew how much most bloggers enjoy comments, they would post a lot more.  

And now I’m going to the pool!  Once I can drag Richard and the kids away from their computers, that is…

xoAmy

Richard and I were just looking at chicken websites and this little beauty showed up.  His immediate response was “Ooo bondage chick!”

Pervert.

xoAmy

PS Long time readers of the blog may remember that Richard has a fetish for farm equipment (not really); see last year’s 4 July post on our visit to a feed store (bottom of the page).

Richard had a shoot today, so he has been gone since 9 this morning. It’s not even 4 yet, and I’m miserable. And I’m doing the Buddhist “second arrow” thing of being upset that I’m miserable, which makes me twice as miserable.

When he was gone, I did some work but then found myself grinding slowly to a halt, feeling kind of lost and pathetic. I finally made myself go out and fill the car with gas (Omigosh that’s expensive!) and then buy some fresh cod and corn on the cob to grill for dinner. I listened to some of my secret-shame-pop-songs to cheer myself up (SexyBack, Fergilicious, Dirty - any suggestions for more recent songs?), which worked for a little bit.

What has happened to me? I used to be the most independent woman I know. I spent most of the five years before Richard and I got together alone.

It’s scary for me to feel this attached to him, this needy. In the past, when I’ve been needy (which was seldom) my partner would withdraw. I have always identified the beginning of the end of my marriage from when I miscarried and my ex-husband became dismissive and withdrawn. “I just don’t think I can make you happy anymore” he said, when I was still sad a month after the miscarriage.

Richard says he likes it that I’m dependent on him, that he doesn’t mind when I get needy. He joked the other day, when I apologized for whining, that he was going to start *requiring* me to whine at least once a day.

I guess that is why we were drawn to the Daddy/little girl dynamic, because he is even more nurturing than I am (which I didn’t think was possible for a man to be : )). We both like caring for and pampering our partner. This is the first time for both of us that it’s mutual - we take care of each other.

But sometimes, like now, this “mutual” thing feels scary. I worry that he’ll get sick of me if I’m too clingy, if I need him too much. And then I think that thinking that way - is that me being controlling? I think maybe it was easier in a way when I was the one who was always giving. That way, why would they ever leave me? I was a low cost, high return relationship.

*Sigh*

Richard just came in! Hooray! He’s home early! Part of me is tempted to just erase this post, or save it to “draft”, but I know he likes me to post things honestly and in a timely way. So. I’ll just hit “Publish” and snuggle up and let him read it.

xoAmy

       

I woke up the morning after my first flogging in Richard’s arms. I was resting on his chest, with my head under his chin and his arms crossed over me, holding me tightly. I rolled over and snuggled into spoons, where I lay thinking about the night before. Richard wakes up if I move around at all, so I try to wait until he’s waking himself in the morning before I ask permission to go to the bathroom. Otherwise he’s up and about, maybe before he’s had enough sleep.

After Richard roused, I got up and made him coffee and we snuggled in together and started going through emails on our laptops. After a bit, we moved downstairs and began our work for the day, sitting near each other in the living room. An hour later, our new grill arrived. Richard began setting it up out on the patio and I noticed that I was missing him. So I grabbed a book and sat on one of the patio chairs while he put together the grill, helping whenever he needed an extra hand. I wanted to be near him, preferably touching him, all day.

The book was Ender’s Game, which I’d bought for one of the kids, but which I immediately got hooked on (I myself am reading Omnivore’s Dilemma; I recommend both books highly). There’s a part at the beginning where the main character has to leave his sister and I started crying. Now, I am a very sentimental person but this was over the top even for me. I cried because I miss my brother so badly (a post on this coming up soon) and because I was missing my kids while they were away. A week is too long! Richard stopped fixing the grill and cuddled me for a minute, then went back to it when he was sure I was okay.

A little later we went out for lunch (where we had a great conversation about lots of things that I think Richard is planning to post about) and then to Home Depot for some house-fixing stuff. On the way there, I was finally able to read my Mac email on my iPhone. I hadn’t been able to get on web email for a couple of days, because of the transition to the new iPhone. There was an email from Megan that I read aloud to Richard, talking about what living with us had meant to her. At one point I had to stop reading it because I choked up. I looked over at Richard and his eyes were glistening. It was very sweet. We both miss her.

When we got home, the kids came by for five minutes to collect stuff for a camping trip while their father waited in his car. I got into a bit of an argument with one of them, which I almost never do. It was dumb, I think I was just feeling bad because I missed them and they came racing in, excited and tearing around the house, and it made me feel…unappreciated or unnecessary or something. They left and I felt so sad. I sent them a text message apologizing and explaining how I felt. I was sobbing while I sent the text. My eldest called right away and was so sweet and loving and understanding. I am truly blessed with my children.

I sat down on the couch and just cried and cried. Richard came over and held me. I kept saying “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m so emotional.” After a couple of minutes he said “Maybe you have sub drop.”

I stopped and stared at him. I was so surprised. It had simply not crossed my mind. That’s when he told me how clingy I had been all night, and he pointed out how emotional I’d been all day.

I guess I thought sub drop only happened after…I don’t know, a big scene with lots of hurting and scary things and intensity. I never felt scared at all. It didn’t hurt very much and it didn’t feel intense. Maybe it did feel intense. Not intense like how I think of BDSM scenes. Certainly it is physically intense, but heck I don’t get sub drop after I get a massage or work out, you know?

I’m happy that we did this. It feels like it has opened a lot of doors, a lot of possibilities. I have been concerned that Richard has not been exploring his sadistic side, because I’m not a masochist and because he is so nurturing. But it’s hard for me to ask for things like this. Yesterday, after Z’s and the jdsgirl’s comments about belts, we talked about that. Yikes. Yikes in an exciting way. What’s going to happen next?

xoAmy

Amy had a request for me yesterday; she wanted to be spanked.

There are two things Amy doesn’t do.  Make requests, and long for spankings.

So when she mixed them both together yesterday, it gave me pause for thought. As it turns out, I probably got it wrong.

I know she has made a post about it, but I want to write this before I read what she has to say about the whole thing.

My first thought was, that I hadn’t been giving her enough attention.  She was happy to have all the attention I could give her yesterday, and I wondered if I had been remiss.  And I know that she likes to be reminded of her submission as well, and I thought that I had not been letting her feel that enough lately.

Mind you, I had none of these thoughts until she asked; only then did I begin to reflect on what she was asking.

I considered that she was likely feeling a need for attention, and a need to submit, and a need to feel herself physically doing something she didn’t want to.  The idea that she might be volunteering to submit to something she didn’t like because she thought I might want to do it, but wasn’t pursuing that course of action didn’t occur to me, although it probably should have.  Just way too complicated for my brain.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, weighty stuff like the nature of art, the meaning of life, where does one find meaning in a post modern world; the usual sort of stuff that tends to lead a person into abstract thought, and a bit out of the present.  It occurred to me I had been doing too much of that.

I decided then that an extended flogging might work better to meet her needs than a simple spanking.  It lasts longer, and doesn’t have any punishment overtones for us.  I didn’t think she needed to feel punished.  Amy usually doesn’t feel the need to be punished, and occasionally points out to me what a good girl she is, and how she specifically doesn’t need whatever punishment I am proposing for her at the time.

In the past flogging has generally bored me.  But I’ve never really done it in a relationship even similar to what Amy and I have, so I thought this might be fun.  I downloaded some music from iTunes that she wouldn’t know, blindfolded her, and began.

It felt awkward in a way, more like a “scene” rather then something that flowed organically out of our natural interactions; but still fun.   I mixed up rhythms, landing zones, patterns, but nothing shocking or out of the ordinary, or not shocking at least if you accept the idea of a flogging as being a fairly mainstream activity.

I did blindfold her, because it makes her feel more dependent, and I kept touch with her through a hand on her leg or ankle.

I enjoyed the rhythm myself, the exploration of how she reacted to my touch, and the touch of the flogger. I wanted to be sure she felt submissive, and the focus of my attention.

I kept it short, the whole thing lasted around an hour or so, and I felt quite mentally and emotionally satisfied by it when we finished - it’s not an avenue of expression I usually seek, but I’m thinking it’s a good one for exploring further.  Never hurts to have extra ways to explore your relationship.

Well, it doesn’t hurt me, anyways.

The flogging also helped kick off a series of discussions between Amy and I, which have been very, very helpful to me.  More on those in posts to come!

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on Fetlife and reading blogs. Which I really shouldn’t have been doing, because there are lots of things that need to be done around the house and I also have a big project due on Thursday. Nonetheless, there I was, and it made me a bit squirmy, reading about others’ relationships and play, etc. Before I had a chance to think too much about it, I sat down on the couch next to Richard and said “Daddy, would you please spank me?”

He looked up from some pictures he was working on and said “Really? You really want me to spank you?” I said I did, we talked about it for a minute (I think he was trying to figure out what it was I wanted exactly) and then he suggested that he flog me instead.

Richard bought a flogger about a year ago and he had used it on me for a few minutes then, just to show me how it felt, but we had never really had a “session” with it. He decided that we needed special music and downloaded (had to open iTunes to check; this is not a misspelling) Delerium, which he says is good music to flog to (okay that sounds really funny to me). He had me set up the speakers. Then he told me to find the handcuffs and the flogger.

It all felt a bit odd to me. Remember that I am a newbie; my relationship with Richard is my first experience with BDSM and we have never done any “scenes” or much playing at all. So it felt strange to be calmly helping Richard set up the bedroom so that he could FLOG me, for goodness sake. Very calm and business-like, not like when he grabs me and molests me or swats me when I’m sassy.

Anyway. I sat on the side of the bed while he set things up. He looked over at me and casually said “Take off your clothes”. So I did. Then he picked up one of my sarongs and blindfolded me with it, and put on my handcuffs and laid me across a couple of pillows. He checked to make sure I was comfortable and explained that he didn’t want any discomfort to interfere with the sensations I was feeling, so he wanted me to tell him if I became uncomfortable. I was feeling very quiet and submissive from being blindfolded and handcuffed so I murmured “Yes sir” very quietly.

He turned on the music, which is very…rhythmic, moody, pulsing…oh, Richard says Delerium is techno dance music. He started by rubbing me, softly but firmly, starting at my calves and going up my ass and back and shoulders. Then he trailed the flogger over my legs, then over my ass, then over my shoulders and back. He slowly began striking me with the flogger, first gently and slowly, then harder and quicker.

I felt the strikes move up my legs to my ass, lingering there before moving down again. Occasionally he would strike my shoulders a few times, which was always a shock. I would feel the stinging there for longer than on my legs and ass.

Sometimes he would focus on my ass for several minutes at a time. The thudding was almost soothing, although every once in a while it would start to hurt and I would cry out softly and reach for a pillow to hang onto. But it never got so bad that I felt scared. I knew that Richard would not push me too hard, at least not this time. : ) After he had been hitting harder or faster for a bit, he would slow down or move the flogging higher or lower on my body.

Every few minutes he would touch my ankle with one hand or stop and caress my (throbbing) ass. I loved those times. I felt so safe and so loved. He was doing this for ME. I had been a bit concerned that flogging me would bore him, but I made myself let that go and just float with the sensations. Twice I think my mind would start to wander, but I pulled it back again quickly (I have a very active monkey mind; things like meditating and yoga are challenging for me).

When he was flogging me on my upper thighs and ass, and not too hard, sometimes it felt very sexy and I longed for him to touch me. I could feel my thighs spreading and my ass rising to meet his hands, almost without my volition.

Oh, I almost forgot. At one point, one song ended and instead of another beginning, a podcast by one of my colleagues began “Hello, this is Dr. X and today I’d like to talk about ” Omigosh it was so funny. I giggled, and Richard had to stop and skip to the next song. It happened one more time - who knows how the podcasts managed to get mixed in with the Delerium downloads.

At just exactly the perfectly right time, he slowwwwly began dragging the flogger along my ass and legs. He would stop and re-start a second later and each time he did that I felt a jolt, a short little almost-coming. He put down the flogger and rubbed me with his hands for a few minutes, gently soothing my deliciously aching thighs and ass and back, then he removed my handcuffs. He rolled me onto my back and said “Now you need to come for your Daddy” and I did.

I thought he had been flogging me for 20 or 30 minutes, but he told me later that it was an hour. He also told me that after I came, he held me tightly for 30 minutes before he sent me to get ready for bed. I don’t really remember that. When I came back to bed, I snuggled up very tightly to him. He said the rest of the night I stayed very, very close to him. If we separated, I would become restless and he would place a hand firmly on me to settle me. He said I’m always a bit like that at night, but much moreso last night.

I need to stop now and eat dinner. We have just bought a really lovely gas grill (we’ve always used a charcoal grill before, but we grill so often we thought this would be easier) and Richard is making tri-tip and grilled asparagus. I am going to make mojitoes (mojitos?). Tomorrow I will tell you about my first experience with sub-drop. Really.

xoAmy

      

That’s what I called Richard the other day when he was making me masturbate (for the second time that night!). He was being meaner even than usual, making me beg to come, making me say I was a slut, caressing my nipples and then suddenly flicking them so hard I’d squeal, then scolding me and covering my mouth so I wouldn’t make noise.

I tell him I hate him irregularly, when he’s being mean like that. But that’s so clearly not true that he’s never even commented on it. This was different. I think it shocked both of us.

Afterwards, after I’d come, I tentatively brought it up as we were cuddling. I was feeling very guilty about it. At first Richard was joking about what punishment he should give me, but then he could tell it was bothering me a lot and he said “Baby girl, I WANT you to lose control during sex. That’s hot to me. Calling me names - that’s you losing control. How can I punish you when you’re doing what I want?”

Whew. That made me feel much better. Plus I was happy not to get punished, of course. But I’d a million times rather be punished than feel like I’ve let Richard down or insulted him.

I thought about this when I went on Fetlife today for the first time (oh that’s fun! lots of fellow bloggers there! everybody should join! come be my friend on Fetlife!) There is a group called something like Submissive Females and they had a thread about “Things Not to Say to Your Dom”. Stuff like “make me” or “is that all you’ve got?” or…”fucker”, for example. I noticed there were three general kinds of comments, and it made me realize (again) what a big tent BDSM is - very, very different kinks and turn-ons, all under the same roof.

The first kind of comment was the “oops” kind, like I make (”fucker” and “now we’re even” come to mind). It seemed like those kind came from subs like me, who were just going about their daily D/s life and slipped up occasionally, being human and all. (Am I lobbying? hehe maybe)

The second kind of comment seemed to be flirtatious or looking for trouble, like saying “make me” or telling your Dom that he looks cute on his knees. These comments came from self-proclaimed “brats”, where the dynamic is less about obedience and more about challenging/forcing. Also sexy, but a different kink from ours.

The third kind of comment made my jaw drop, because I am NOT a masochist. Those were made during a scene, saying things like “that all you got?” or “I’ve had worse from better”. Wow. I just can’t even imagine saying something like that, because I would be so, so scared about what would happen next. Their skin must be made differently from mine.

To make things even, I think it would be fun to talk about “What you don’t want to hear a Dom say”. Off the top of my head, I would think “This is gonna hurt you more than it’s gonna hurt me”. And then, from my real life (pre-BDSM, so not a Dom), in the bedroom: “What do you want me to do for you? Tell me what would make you feel good.” Blechblechblechblech. A) Quelle submissive, which is unlikely to turn me on, and B) figure it out for yourself!

We’ve just had a lovely day sans kidlets. Went to the pool and now we’re having a tequila sunrise. I made lasagna and chili for later in the week (both taste better after a couple of days) and Richard just made one of his yummy stir-fries. Hope you’re having a wonderful Saturday!

xoAmy