D/s 24.7 and family
I always tell Amy that we aren’t kinky, we’re just Ricky and Lucy Ricardo. Mainstream, no different than everybody else. A typical, if retro married couple with a 50s-style society-approved male dominant-female submissive relationship.
She begs to differ.
Well, as long as she’s begging, it’s all good.
So how do we handle D/s and family life? What do we do about D/s and the kids?
My family with Amy is my second time with children. A lot of these issues I’ve already gone over with my original children.
I used to keep secrets. I had a skill at hiding who I really was, at keeping my own needs subordinate to what my partner needed and this turned out to be damaging. Extremely so, I was co-dependent in an increasingly dysfunctional relationship, that eventually came apart.
It bothered me that I hadn’t been able to provide my children with a stable home life like the one I’d had growing up. Instead, now they had to deal with parental conflict, extended travel, time split between two homes in opposition, etc. One bit of wisdom really stayed with me from that time; the idea that all we owe our children is the truth about who we are.
I like that idea - not that it is ALL we owe our children, but that children can make better judgements about life if they aren’t confused by their own parents lies to them.
So I don’t lie to my kids.
They ask a question, it gets answered.
Simple.
Parenting is easy. Painful, sure, but easy. As long as you don’t mind putting everything out there, and let them think of you what they will.
I don’t care what my kids think of me. It’s irrelevant. They can see me as a nice guy, or as a total bastard, it’s all good. I am who I am, and I’m not invested in whether they see me as a good parent, bad parent, etc.
Same thing goes for blog readers, too :) I like to express myself so my concept is clear, but I’m pretty indifferent to what any reader’s judgments are. Makes it way easier to write a blog like this. (And then again, claiming to be indifferent could be an elaborate ruse to fake sincerity. You make the call)
I don’t think there was ever a time when my original children weren’t aware of alternative relationships. With a large extended family, we had everything from right wing religious couples to a gay uncle. My ex-wife and I weren’t judgmental about any of those life directions, and were very straightforward in answering questions as they arose. The whole “birds and the bees” thing was always looked at as a biological issue infused with emotion, or lust at least.
Dinnertime with my kids would include topics from politics to abortion to alternative sexuality. No topic of discussion was taboo, from any age, and any question would get explained, and I’d give my opinions of issues, and they were welcome to have and express their own. Which they did. Especially my daughter.
I didn’t do anything sexual in front of my children. Not in my vanilla marriage, and not in any more D/s relationship that followed.
And now with Amy, it’s very much the same. I’m an aggressive guy. I don’t dial that back. I like to hunt and pursue.
And catch.
With the kids around, I do that with Amy by flirting with her. We’re a playful couple, lots of joking and teasing.
Your children always figure out who you are eventually. So there’s no point in trying to fake anything; that just lets them know you are dishonest and uncomfortable with who you are.
Nor do you behave inappropriately in front of them. You don’t involve them in your sex life or particular fetish. Humiliation play etc. is fine, but not appropriate in front of kids. Nor is it appropriate in public - go to clubs for those things, where people are expecting stuff of that nature. I don’t like to do anything too far out of the norm in front of anyone who hasn’t consented to being a part of it. But that’s another whole issue.
Our kids know that I behave aggressively towards Amy. I’ll pull her close, kiss her, flirt with her, openly adore her. She asks my opinion on things, and gives her own. I don’t issue orders and expect her to obey, etc in front of them. I treat her with the deference and politeness she deserves, as any human deserves. Humiliation kink, since it is arousing, is something only done in private. (And it’s not THAT arousing, so it’s not done that often. Or maybe too often, since it’s not a big fan favorite with Amy. Go figure.)
We are D/s 24/7 not because we are playing at it, because it’s who we are. It feels right. Actually, it doesn’t really feel like anything at all.
It’s just normal.
As comfortable as your fav sneakers or as natural as breathing….THAT is how its suppose to be when your in a relationship…
or at least that is my two cents worth…
Comment by Juli — July 27, 2008 @ 11:22 am
Well said. And, as usual, succinct.
Comment by sulpiciapast — July 27, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
You are so right Daddy - we’re just like Ricky and Lucy. Some of the lesser known episodes were very influential to me - “Lucy’s First Flogging”, “Ricky Calls Lucy a Dirty Cumslut” and my personal favorite “Ricky Shares Lucy With Fred”s. hahahahhaha
xoxoxox your girl
Comment by Amy — July 27, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
This has nothing to do with your posting today, but I wanted to tell you both I have so enjoyed reading your blog for the past year. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. The past 10 years we have been playing with a lot of different ideas - to spice it up shall I say. You have given me a good idea of starting my own blog. I doubt if I can get my husband involved because he hates doing email - but then again I never thought we would be D/S. Thanks again for sharing!!
The Shellster
Comment by Shellster — July 27, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
what i enjoy about your posts, richard, is how straightforward and clear you are…there is a distinct sense of calmness and coiled relaxation…coiled so that, if needed, you can spring…this blog would not be the same without both of you posting…
cg
Comment by curiousgirl — July 27, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
Juli - my thought as well.
sulpiciapast - Thank you. And the implied criticism noted, as well.
Amy - Those were a few of my favorite episodes. I gather you are bringing them to my attention out of a desire to visit said themes upon your own body?
Shelster - So nice to see you here! How has life been lately? When you start your blog Amy and I will be VERY interested in checking it out.
curiousgirl - coiled relaxation. Mmmmmm sounds yummmy! And thank you for your observations - I do try to be “succinct” as sulpicia so pointedly noted!
Comment by Richard — July 28, 2008 @ 9:48 am
I really don’t think I can add to what everyone else has said. I love the description curiousgirl gave. It fits what I see so well. It also reminds me very much of my Master.
We have already discussed how to handle this with our kids. We plan on the truth, whatever is acceptable for their age. That’s how my parents did with me, and it left me with very few issues. Of all the things I have issue with my parents on, sexuality isn’t one of them.
You two are just such a fun couple to read about.
Comment by His.stormy — July 28, 2008 @ 10:51 am
I’d like to thank you both for taking the time to answer my question so honestly and thoughtfully; those two qualities are what keep bringing me back to your blog. And I can’t agree more with Stormy, “you two are just such a fun couple to read about.”
Comment by justdave — July 28, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
This is what I like most about you two, the fact that the values you have hold true for any successful relationship, not only D/s ones.
Comment by Luka — July 28, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
His stormy - I like your plan - I wish my own parents could have been as open!
justdave - glad to have had a chance to think about the topic too - thanks for asking the original question!
Luka - I couldn’t agree more - like I tell Amy, we’re just so mainstream it’s boring!
Comment by Richard — July 29, 2008 @ 12:58 am
As I said on Amy’s piece, the important message you are giving your kids is that you treat your partner with love and respect, and there’s no better lesson they can learn.
I love it when we get both of your points of view
Comment by Z — July 29, 2008 @ 3:56 am
Thank you Z!
Comment by Richard — July 30, 2008 @ 7:07 am