Pictures and stories from of a real life 24.7 D/s couple. Richard and Amy explore bdsm, daily life, and each other, from both sides of the relationship.

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February 26, 2008

Submissive’s lament

Filed under: BDSM, Kinky Sex, Daily Life — Amy @ 8:15 am


Warning: whining and over-simplification ahead.

Why is it that submissives invariably need regular…proof or confirmation that they are in fact in a D/s relationship? Why don’t dominants need this?

I have a working hypothesis. You know how vanilla men tend to want to have sex more than women? An ex told me that men will never turn down an offer of sex, because they never know when they’ll get it again. He contrasted this with women, who generally KNOW they can get sex whenever they want, so they can say “no” more comfortably.

Similarly, Richard knows that he’s The Boss. He knows that he can do whatever he wants with me, whenever he wants. I, on the other hand, have no idea when the next spanking or fucking is coming. (Remember, I said I was going to over-simplify.)

I’ve been having a problem with migraines since Christmas, and we’ve had a bunch of visitors. That means there is less time and privacy for play.  Plus Richard is feeling very protective of me, so he’s (relatively speaking) been gentle with me when we make love.

I have been very focused on:  working a lot whenever I don’t have a headache, and making sure our visitors are happy, amused, well-fed and well-bedded.  This means a whole lot of organizing.  Organizing is something I’m good at, but the downside is that when I’m doing a lot of it I feel like I’m in charge, like I’m in control.

Like I’m The Boss. 

Normally, when we have more time alone and more time to play, Richard keeps my inner Boss in check.  I’m happier when he does, because I don’t WANT to be the one in control.  When I’m in control, I worry a lot and never stop thinking.  I’m anxious.  I spent most of my life that way, like I said I’m good at it, and it’s really really really nice not to be that way anymore.  I am still the main planner and organizer in our relationship, and I’m a Boss-person at work.  But (when we’re playing regularly) even when I’m planning and organizing things, I know it’s for my Daddy, so it doesn’t stress me out as much.  

These days I’m feeling a leetle bit like I’m in a vanilla relationship, with the occasional rough sex. Megan and I have talked about this issue over the last couple of days.  (Gosh, it’s awesome having her here, I will post more about that later, and she may write a guest post.)  She’s dealt with the same issue in the past, and we agreed that there is no way that we would start acting like a brat to get the negative attention that would help us focus again.  We’re both too proud to precipitate a punishment, because that feels manipulative to us. 

I talked to Richard about this too (of course).  It bothers me a lot that I can’t just get my head back into D/s space on my own, like Richard seems to be able to do.  I told him that I don’t know what to do when this happens.  

He said “All you need to do is tell your Daddy.  I can help you.  You think you own your ass?  *I* own that ass, and I can spank it, and fuck it, and play with it any way I want. Let me know if you need me to do that.”


  1. I love it when they are [i]helpful[/i] like that. On one side you feel the warmth and concern, and on the other side you realize that “careful what you ask for” has never been more real and scary. I can already see you squealing and going “no no no Daddy I’m fineeeeeeeeee really I am!”. I really need to install a camera in your room. When’s the next time you are both out running errands again? [:D]

    Comment by Megan — February 26, 2008 @ 8:50 am

  2. Evul gurl. : (

    Comment by Amy — February 26, 2008 @ 9:53 am

  3. you looove me when i’m evil. Just admit it :)

    Comment by Megan — February 26, 2008 @ 10:15 am

  4. I am very much the one in control at our home. I also understand the longing to give it over. Best of luck finding your balance. S

    Comment by S — February 26, 2008 @ 10:59 am

  5. I agree 100% especially about the part where being the boss on a daily basis “outside” of the D/s relationship causes confusion and a need for an affirmation, or proof of power, that you are involved in the complete opposite role at home. Dominants seem to be able to move into that space in their head with no effort while submissives (and I am talking specifically about the Male/female D/s) have a harder time splitting amongst the various roles they find themselves dealing with. I saw a comedian recently who talked about men having “boxes” in their head, with each thing in a box (car, bills, sex, etc.) that they remove and replace before moving to the next box. He said women have a million thoughts running, and can switch from one thing to the next effortlessly and then wonder why their man can’t follow along. I thought it was a pretty perfect analogy and seems to apply to D/s as well. Why is it that something as simple as an over the knee spanking can stop the whole mind whirl and get the focus right back to where it should be?

    P.S. On another note, if you haven’t tried Imitrex for your migraines, run, don’t walk to your doctor and get a scrip. It’s a life saver!

    Comment by jdsgirl — February 26, 2008 @ 11:18 am

  6. Bad Megan!

    Thanks and welcome, S.

    jdsgirl, I really like that analogy. That makes a lot of sense to me. Oh, and I’ve got Imitrex but it doesn’t seem to work that well for me. *sigh*

    Comment by Amy — February 26, 2008 @ 12:52 pm

  7. I completely understand the part about being in control in your everyday life. I’m good at it too, but I really really hate it. That’s why, even though my particular situation is not what anyone would consider a true D/s relationship, I really look forward to the time I spend with my Daddy and cherish every minute of it, because I am more than happy to give him control and he is more than happy to take it.

    Can’t wait to read about Megan’s stay and possibly Megan’s post too :).


    Comment by kitty — February 26, 2008 @ 6:30 pm

  8. I have had somewhat the same thoughts and feelings running wild within me this last month. I too wait… then my mind goes on over time. I get angry, then depressed, then hopeful then all over again! Tonight while surfing my haunts, I have ran across several blogs with the same topic… or very close too it. What is IT? Is the month of FEB. ALL DOMS OFF month? SUBS ON HOLD month? What ever it is it seems to be contagious. Check out underhishand.com She seems to ask the right questions. The questions we probably should be asking ourselves! Now if someone just had the right answers!! lol

    I wish spanks for you…
    lil me

    Comment by littleme — February 26, 2008 @ 7:10 pm

  9. Amy wrote: “I have a working hypothesis. You know how vanilla men tend to want to have sex more than women? An ex told me that men will never turn down an offer of sex, because they never know when they’ll get it again. He contrasted this with women, who generally KNOW they can get sex whenever they want, so they can say “no” more comfortably.”

    Amy, you are right!! I never thought of it like this but it makes sense that these roles are reversed in M/f Ds. We totally fit this paradigm. I feel like I am always craving more more more and he is very comfortale saying, no, not now, wait, maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like it. I suppose that’s a natural part of the power he enjoys, having me always available and in a fairly constant state of begging! :)Grrr!

    PS- Something to consider, caffeine is my migrane trigger, which is in many migrane meds for some reason. Good luck with getting rid of them, I know how they take the fun right out of everything. :(

    Comment by Nelle — February 26, 2008 @ 8:35 pm

  10. Well, I for one am very relieved to learn that February is ALL DOMS OFF month. Nice to have an explanation…

    Amy, migraines are a wicked horrid thing, and I only wish there were one magic solution for everyone. The only thing I’ll throw in on the matter is that back when I lived in Michigan I ended up going to a major head pain group in Ann Arbor, which tries all sorts of approaches until they find what’s right. Lots of luck with it. (Imitrex did nothing for me, either. Calcium channel blockers reduce the number and the severity.)

    As for the D/s issue, I tend to feel guilty and demanding when I tell the philosopher that I need him to exert more control, that I need to feel more owned, that in fact I need a good spanking which I won’t get because he lives a few states away. He does have techniques to get me centered again, which he can choose to use. But somehow I feel like I should be more submissive and behave myself as a matter of obedience. However, it’s almost March, and he’s getting a jump on regaining control, so things are looking up.

    Comment by oatmeal girl — February 26, 2008 @ 10:17 pm

  11. Kitty, why wouldn’t you be considered to be in a “true D/s” relationship? I’d love to hear more.

    Hi littleme, yes I noticed that kaya was talking about some of this. She is a great one for getting me thinking about things, since she has been doing this for so long and is soso articulate about everything.

    Nelle, you sound like me! And I’m trying to get off caffeine, but I have to wait until I’m completely through with this episode, because right now it’s the only thing that can keep me reasonably pain-free in the afternoon.

    Oatmealgirl, I was thinking about trying acupuncture. Apparently it works well for chronic pain. “Guilty and demanding” - that’s exactly how I feel! I’m curious about the “centering” techniques the philosopher (I like that!) uses.

    Comment by Amy — February 26, 2008 @ 10:26 pm

  12. Amy, I think you hit the nail on the head with your general assessment of how the roles get reversed. Something that you ought to keep in mind, however, is that a dominant guy in many ways has to train himself and his own mind as much as he does his submissive’s. It takes an enormous amount of self-control when you first realize that you’re a dominant personality and there are a lot of roadblocks to overcome that even allow you to function without driving yourself crazy in the process. I couldn’t imagine being any other way, but it definitely took a decent chunk of time to teach myself in the whole process.

    Comment by Ry — February 26, 2008 @ 10:40 pm

  13. One interesting thing is also how the HNG’s are ridiculed in this context. You know, the Horny Net Geeks who are in this D/s lifestyle only to get LOTS of sex whenever they want it. We don’t want them because they’re lead by their cocks, because they’re slaves to their cocks, and therefore it’s hard for them to really dominate anyone.

    So we want more… more active dominance, more sex, more.. well, just more! But at the same time, we don’t want the guys who would sell their own mother to be allowed to give us all that “more” that we want, because even more important than the “more”, is authentic dominance. We end up picking the evil SOB’s who run their own timelines and leave us wanting. We pick the wicked men who are so comfortable with their dominance that they don’t feel the need to bend us over their knees every night to reassure the both of us that they really are the Great High Lord of teh Universe. They know they are, and they assume we do too.

    Dominance happens through so many channels, and I have really enjoyed living under the same roof as the two of you for a couple of weeks now. I see how you have this constant yummy tension between the pair of you. Neither of you are “playing”, you’re just being yourselves, in this constant “cat and mouse” game that is your life. It doesn’t matter if you’re alone, or around family, or at the local grocery store. I see Amy’s submission through everything she does, and I see Richard’s dominance demonstrated more times a day than I can count, continuously, every day. Just the little things, like the way you two look at each other, and the way he is right there any time you get a bit cheeky, with his hand ready to smack that cute bottom or yours, or when he makes a lewd comment in front of other people, and you bury your head in your hands and are just very, very quiet because you know it can get SO MUCH WORSE and you don’t want to encourage the beast in him - and through that recognizing your predicament in that he does have the final word and you’re at his mercy.

    I think sometimes we get so used to our life, that we don’t notice all the little things. They speak loud and clear to me because I’m new in your home, and I am so enjoying this constant D/s tension, but I can imagine that sometimes it’s just so natural for the two of you that you might not actually realize how D/s’y you are, all the time.

    I don’t know why us subs have this need for that “extra assertion of dominance”. I think your theory is a very good one and definitely a big part of it. I also think that it is because the world keeps telling us that we’re free and independent and that slavery doesn’t exist. I don’t know how the Doms manage to stay so plugged in, but I think that we just need some reprogramming every now and then to contradict the rest of the world. Reminders that the world just don’t understand how we live, and that it is real no matter what they say. That we’re property, because our Daddies and Owners and Masters told us so - and gave us that extra physical reminder to make us really feel it.

    I think for me, my biggest obstacle is my fear. I enjoy the feeling of a skewered balance, I enjoy the feeling of needing him more than he needs me, but then the fear kicks in. The fear of “what if he’s tired of it? What if this beautiful fantasy is over?”, it’s like a scary nightmare and I need a pinch (or rough sex, or a spanking, you know, whatever) to wake me up and realize that the world is still what I need it to be, that I am owned by a person who really WANTS to own me and isn’t doing it to entertain my fantasies.

    It’s like this D/s life is a dream that is too good to be true, and I’m waiting for the rude awakening that my partner really just wanted a hot body in bed, or a housekeeper, and that it wasn’t real. Feeling the fire in my partner’s touch and seeing the deep desire in his eyes is the affirmation that I need, that we’re not just doing this for me. I think that’s it for me.

    Comment by Megan — February 27, 2008 @ 12:24 am

  14. Ry, thanks for reminding me that Doms have stuff to deal with too. That’s important to remember.

    Megan, yupyupyup. Beautifully said, as usual. I am incredibly blessed - the best Daddy in the world for me, the best friend, the best kids, the best dogs, the best job, the best home…sometimes it feels silly to worry about anything at all. I guess it’s what Buddha said - attachment (clinging) causes pain; I’m so happy in general that I start thinking “what if it ends???” and then I make myself miserable. I like your point about HNG too, it made me realize I’d be miserable if He said “Oh, you need more spankings? I’m right on it! Oh, more sex now! Yes, dear!” *shudder*

    Richard and I talked about this a bit more last night. He was trying to figure out what had changed to make me think I was “in charge”. I realized as we talked that it’s not so much that I feel in charge as that I feel *responsible* for so much right now. It’s hard to do my demanding job with this ongoing migraine situation, hard to keep up with bills and make sure everything is running smoothly for everybody in the family. So I worry about it. That’s how I’ve felt for most of my adult life (just generally “on” - needing to track everything and take care of everything), but I haven’t felt it in the last year, since Richard has been in charge. So that set off alarms for me. Writing this out, hearing what everyone thinks, and talking about it with Richard has really helped.

    Thanks, everybody.

    Comment by Amy — February 27, 2008 @ 7:48 am

  15. Your post struck close to home with me. It makes sense. And I think I’m a bit like that. You aren’t alone in thinking bratting is not a good way to get attention. Sometimes I do end up doing it… and then get annoyed with myself when I realize I am. As far as migraines? I hope you know your triggers and you are taking steps to counterbalance those. And imitrex isn’t for everyone, it did nothing good for me.

    Comment by Ofia — February 27, 2008 @ 8:39 am

  16. I HAVE heard of success with accupuncture. It’s certainly worth trying. There’s a good book on migraines by a doctor from Johns Hopkins: Heal Your Headache: The 1-2-3 Program for Taking Charge of Your Pain by David Buchholz. If you know a lot about them it doesn’t add that much, but he makes the very interesting point that triggers are cumulative. Caffeine or chocolate or fresh bread or whatever might not trigger a migraine on its own, but when combined, or when you’re getting your period, they add up until you’ve crossed the threshhold.

    The philosopher is a real philosopher, although not a full-scale professor yet because he has to finish his Damn Dissertation. um… I rather hate this when other people do it, but I finally gave in and started my own blog, as much as an outlet for my writing as anything else. He thought it would be good for me. It’s at http://submissionandmetaphor.blogspot.com/ Sorry for the plug - I’m kind of embarrassed by it…

    Centering techniques. Sometimes I feel liek a spanking would really really help but it’s months between visits because of the dissertation. He “canes” me with a rubber band around my upper thigh, which I’m instructed to pull out and let snap. Hurts like hell, and reverberates through the way a cane strike would, but differently because it is so thin. It clears my head, calms me down, cuts through all the mess in my brain, and of course reminds me that he owns me and is looking after me. It works sort of like the candied ginger I sometimes take when I have a migraine. The ginger seems to give a little electric shock to my brain and clears some of the fog.

    Comment by oatmeal girl — February 27, 2008 @ 3:56 pm

  17. On the migraine front, let me reiterate that imitrex does not stop my migraines cold because I understand it to be for vascular migraines and mine are caused by 2 evil neck vertebrae that compress the nerve that runs up the side of my head. For me, imitrex is a painkiller without side effects. My cure is the chiropractor/naprapath/acupuncturist that I have been seeing.

    As all have said, food can be triggers but the most important thing is to find out your individual triggers. In my case, the triggers are stress or poor sleeping positions, leaving my neck “scrunched up” along with my shoulders. For the caffeine, perhaps trying the 50% less caffeine coffee could help in giving you enough caffeine to continue on, yet not enough if that is one of your food triggers. It will take some research but seeking a headache clinic is certainly something to look into. The headache clinic was my next step after years of having 3 days each time one hit being unable to work, take care of my kids or do much of anything except drive the porcelain bus. I used to have the acupuncture right before my period because that helped keep the migraines that were coming from that, under control. I no longer have period migraines since I’m hopefully finishing up menopause (6 months, no period and counting for the 2nd time in a year and half) I stumbled on this naprapath/chiro/acupuncturist after I moved and he gave me my life back.

    P.S. Ice packs help ALOT!

    Comment by jdsgirl — February 27, 2008 @ 4:53 pm

  18. You know, it seems to me that between work, the organizing and the migraines, it’s not so much that you feel in charge as that you feel that there are other circumstances controlling the way you interact with the rest of the world. The migraines make you feel helpless in a painful, unproductive way, and everything else imposes in-chargeness upon you. Whether or not you’re lacking feeling submissive, you’re probably mainly lacking anything that you have actively chosen - even if that is proof that it’s Richard that chooses.

    Hmmm, that all made sense in my head.

    Comment by Z — February 27, 2008 @ 9:32 pm

  19. ofia, oatmealgirl and jdsgirl - thanks for all the suggestions. I used an icepack last night and it was AWESOME (I’ve put off trying it before because I generally HATE coldpacks, well really any kind of cold). BTW, oatmealgirl I tried to reply to a post on your blog and it wouldn’t let me. *sob*

    Z, yes. That made sense in my head too. I am helpless to control the headaches and it’s not hot. And I’m forced to be in charge in most of my life, as odd as that sounds, and that’s not hot either.

    Comment by Amy — February 28, 2008 @ 8:25 am

  20. i’m so glad SOMETHING worked for the migraine! i’ll have to remember an ice-pack for my next one. maybe there should be a sub subset for subs with migraines…

    i wonder why you couldn’t comment? i have gotten a few, so maybe it was just a temporary glitch in the whole system. if you still have something to say, try again or just e-mail me on gmail. i’m oatmealgirl09 . and thanks to everyone from here who came to take a look! the philosopher is very proud of me.

    Comment by oatmeal girl — February 28, 2008 @ 10:53 am

  21. 1. I think a key to feeling secure is remembering that you still belong to your Master - he’s just trying to take care of you.

    2. RE: Migraines
    What sort of things have you tried for relief? I’m not a medical professional or anything, mind you. I do get a lot of tension headaches and occasional migraines. My understanding is this: thinning your blood and reducing muscle swelling is key. A little bit of aspirin helps increase blood flow to your brain. Ice (or warmth) can loosen up tense muscles in your shoulders and neck. NSAIDs like ibuprofin or naproxen sodium can help to loosen muscles, too. A little bit of caffeine (a LITTLE BIT) can help with blood flow, too. (I can’t use that tactic anymore, sadly - caffeine is likely to give me an anxiety attack.)

    Best wishes.

    Comment by Bruticus — February 28, 2008 @ 11:11 pm

  22. Personally, speaking as a Domme now, I like the brat. Provided it’s not all the time. Every woman should have an inner brat.

    There’s nothing wrong with being manipulative. Like deception, dissembling and betrayal, manipulativeness is a perfectly human behavior.

    I say, invoke your inner brat!


    Comment by janeyruth — February 29, 2008 @ 1:55 pm

  23. I think the ‘brat’ thing has to be negotiated, whether verbally or by some other kind of understanding. The Dom I see fairly regularly likes me to be just a little bratty… if I don’t push too far. Sometimes it’s an extra challenge to me to figure out where the line is.

    Comment by Marianne — March 1, 2008 @ 6:04 pm

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