Pictures and stories from of a real life 24.7 D/s couple. Richard and Amy explore bdsm, daily life, and each other, from both sides of the relationship.

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July 17, 2008

Home alone

Filed under: Daily Life — Amy @ 4:41 pm


Richard had a shoot today, so he has been gone since 9 this morning. It’s not even 4 yet, and I’m miserable. And I’m doing the Buddhist “second arrow” thing of being upset that I’m miserable, which makes me twice as miserable.

When he was gone, I did some work but then found myself grinding slowly to a halt, feeling kind of lost and pathetic. I finally made myself go out and fill the car with gas (Omigosh that’s expensive!) and then buy some fresh cod and corn on the cob to grill for dinner. I listened to some of my secret-shame-pop-songs to cheer myself up (SexyBack, Fergilicious, Dirty - any suggestions for more recent songs?), which worked for a little bit.

What has happened to me? I used to be the most independent woman I know. I spent most of the five years before Richard and I got together alone.

It’s scary for me to feel this attached to him, this needy. In the past, when I’ve been needy (which was seldom) my partner would withdraw. I have always identified the beginning of the end of my marriage from when I miscarried and my ex-husband became dismissive and withdrawn. “I just don’t think I can make you happy anymore” he said, when I was still sad a month after the miscarriage.

Richard says he likes it that I’m dependent on him, that he doesn’t mind when I get needy. He joked the other day, when I apologized for whining, that he was going to start *requiring* me to whine at least once a day.

I guess that is why we were drawn to the Daddy/little girl dynamic, because he is even more nurturing than I am (which I didn’t think was possible for a man to be : )). We both like caring for and pampering our partner. This is the first time for both of us that it’s mutual - we take care of each other.

But sometimes, like now, this “mutual” thing feels scary. I worry that he’ll get sick of me if I’m too clingy, if I need him too much. And then I think that thinking that way - is that me being controlling? I think maybe it was easier in a way when I was the one who was always giving. That way, why would they ever leave me? I was a low cost, high return relationship.


Richard just came in! Hooray! He’s home early! Part of me is tempted to just erase this post, or save it to “draft”, but I know he likes me to post things honestly and in a timely way. So. I’ll just hit “Publish” and snuggle up and let him read it.



  1. lollipop - lil wayne
    dangerous - akon
    radar - britany spears
    freakum dress - beyonce
    i wish - the secret handshake

    these are all the like… top charts right now
    your kids will think your pretty cool :P

    Comment by Lora — July 17, 2008 @ 7:46 pm

  2. I too am having trouble getting used to someone who says they enjoy me as I am. While I won’t say he enjoys me being needy, he responds well to it, knowing if he gives me what I need then, that I end up being much stronger and less needy later. I agree, it was easier when I was the giving one. I then attempt to remind myself those relationships didn’t work out for a reason. If this one is different, then doesn’t that seem to be a good sign?

    No advice, just sharing that I have some understanding of how you feel.

    Comment by His.stormy — July 18, 2008 @ 5:59 am

  3. That hit home!

    Comment by sulpiciapast — July 18, 2008 @ 12:07 pm

  4. at first i was going to say that it sounds like your submissiveness is entirely ingrained into your system and you cant get it out of your system. your always thinking of being submissive. wanting needing to be submissive always wanting to cling to him and wanting to give back to him or serve him in many different ways and i thought i was going to have to change my statement and say something different but reading the rest of the post i see you really are very submissive in your soul you do enjoy being submissive and giving and caring and you enjoy being cared for. i think that is what was wrong really, you just missed richard and needed something to hold on to.

    Comment by robert — July 18, 2008 @ 12:59 pm

  5. Oh sweet Amy,

    Maybe it is just this, that you are finally being fully you and in the moment. When you were ‘independent’ in the past it was because you could not relax and rely on the other person in the relationship, but with Richard everything is different.

    Does that make sense? i have more to say but i can’t seem to command words to form the sentences.

    Comment by denise — July 18, 2008 @ 2:43 pm

  6. oh, Amy. does it surprise you to hear me say that i know exactly how you feel?

    does it surprise you that i’m crying…

    damn. i have to stop leaving tear stains all over everyone else’s blogs. i guess i just want to write what you did: “The philosopher just came n! Hooray! He’s home early!”

    Thanks. even tho it made me cry. you said it beautifully.

    Comment by oatmeal girl — July 19, 2008 @ 7:00 am

  7. Thanks so much Lora! I shall go on iTunes and get those today.

    His.story, yes, you totally got it. : )

    sulpicia: I thought about you (and oatmeal girl) a lot when I was feeling this way. As in “They’re going through a lot more right now. You’re really very lucky, you know.” etc etc. But as the Buddhists say “Suffering is suffering.” Hope you’re doing well.

    robert, I think you are right that I am feeling my submission more deeply all the time. It does now feel like a completely integrated part of me. I guess I’m still adjusting to that.

    denise - yes, that is absolutely, completely right. And it’s scary.

    oatmeal girl - I know, I know. I’m so sorry. As I said to sulpicia above, I thought about you and I know how much you are suffering. Take care.

    Comment by Amy — July 19, 2008 @ 7:56 am

  8. Hi, incredibly good post. And one that I feel was very beneficial to have been written for others to read and also to have read.

    When I first started dating in high school, I was dumped by my very first real boyfriend for “being too clingy and needy”. Taking this at face value I worked very hard to revamp myself into independant and self reliant. What I actually accomplished was emotionally distance and cold. lol. I worked so hard to keep the very present submissive/emotionally needy side of me supressed so that I would not come off as being needy, that I missed out on quite a few opportunities with men who could have very well been good for me. I emotionally seperated myself in the hopes that they wouldn’t feel tied down and leave, however pushed them away with my seeming lack of emotion. I took my submissive needs and locked them away, afraid to express myself.

    I don’t know about other women out there, but I feel like a constant struggle occurs within myself everyday in this regard. I want to be wantonly down on my knees adoring, but society tells me to be strong and stand on my own. I have often felt “society” tells us “clingy/needy/dependant” is bad. After so many years of keeping my submission inside and hidden, it is VERY hard to let myself become emotionally vulnerable.

    I think it is wonderful that you have found a man to nurture your needy side. A man who doesn’t love you IN SPITE of it, but who loves you BECAUSE of that inately vulnerable part of yourself. And treasures it.

    It is always good to read about positive, real life people who revel in a D/s lifestyle. :-)

    I love this blog because both sides of the story get told. As well as the good and bad. Please keep blogging!

    Tamara McIntosh

    Comment by Tamara McIntosh — July 31, 2008 @ 7:54 pm

  9. Tamara, what a thoughtful and fascinating post. Thank you for your thoughts. I totally relate to your point about societal pressure to be strong and independent. And thanks for the nice comments on the blog. xoAmy

    Comment by Amy — August 1, 2008 @ 8:34 am

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