24.7

My time on Second Life with Amy and Richard has been thrilling to say the least. There are many situations that I have been put in–some fun, some, sexy, some scary, etc.

In one of her posts, Amy spoke of a wonderful place called Kingdom of Sand. To sum it up as fast as I can, KOS is a simulation role play area set in ancient Arabian times. You have a choice between being a slaver, a slave, or a knight. There are other roles in KOS, (Like undead, magi, citizen, djinn, bedouin) but the three I first listed are the ones I spend most of my role playing around with.

Amy and I are both slaves/prey in KOS. My first week was spent learning how to run, jump and hide from slavers. Fun times, I tell you, fun times. Being able to run around the sand without fear of being caught gave me a chance to look around without having to constantly look over my shoulder.

My first day as an official prey was exciting. I ran around and was chased, but was not captured for a few hours. Yay! I was pretty proud of myself.

Then an undead started to stalk me!!  Let me tell you about undeads. They are creatures who do horrific things to the prey that they catch. Like eat them! Or cut up their bodies and put them in jars! I’m not kidding, I’ve spoken to a poor slave who had it happen to her.

Being captured by an undead was not on my list of things to do. It was out of my hands when one started to hunt me, though.

I first noticed my stalker after he jumped from a roof top and trapped me in a tower. He was so scary. His face was rotting off, he was bleeding from his his nose and eyes. He had green stuff on his skin, which I assume was gangrene. He scared me. I screamed aloud and tried to get away, but he was blocking the only entrance. I kept jumping up over and over again to see if I could make it over him, but I kept hitting my head on the damn tower roof.

When I could not find a way around him, I begged Amy to save me. I typed in a private message to her “TP ME!!!!!!!” So she did. Yeah, we cheated, but you would have cheated if you were an innocent KOS virgin and someone who wanted to stuff you into a jar had you trapped in a tower!  (FYI, ‘TP’ means teleport. One SL user can TP another SL to thier location at anytime)

Whew. So once I was back in safe spot I rested for a bit and then decided to make a run for it. I really am a glutton for punishment. I ran toward the cafe which is a dance hall for slaves to entertain slavers. On my map I could see several people chasing me. I didn’t know who they were, but it made my blood pump and my skin sweat. I made it to the cafe, yay! A safe spot where I cannot be captured.

Right after I arrived I received an private message from Amy, she was laughing. Turns out that Richard was in the cafe when I arrived, and he told her that I flew through the air, and then smashed into a wall. Hehe. That happens to me pretty often. It’s a wonder I stayed free as long as I did, because my sense of direction and control of my avi was not too good at that time. As a matter of fact, it’s still not good.

I was eventually captured by that undead. Holy hell, I was scared! The first thing I said to him was “Please don’t eat me.” He told me to shut up or else he would. So I shut up.

On our way to wherever he was taking me we ran into a pretty lady knight. Knights are members of KOS who can fight for or pay for the release of a slave. She offered to pay the undead 100 dinar for me, and he accepted. Whew!

All in all, my capture with the undead was rather anti-climatic. Once we ran into the knight and I saw that the undead was going to sell me to her I knew it was all going to be alright, the thrill of the unknown was taken away.

My next capture was not even a real one. I was standing in a safe zone and was bumped by a slaver. Even though she did not bump me out of the safe zone, a glitch in the KOS system allowed her to capture me. By the way, I didn’t even notice her running into me because I was busy chatting with Amy–as usual, LOL.  Since she did not catch me outside of a safe zone she said she would let free me, sell me, auction me off, whatever I wanted. I was excited to role play so I asked her to keep me for a bit.

After we got to camp, my lady owner and Richard started to plot. They told us to follow them to the ocean shore. Once there we were instructed to take off our clothes and  get into the water. After doing what we were forced to bathe each other. *Wicked grin*
Amy washed my hair and back. Sooo nice. However, before I had the chance to wash her we were told to get out of the water and go back to camp. It turns out that a couple of undeads were watching from a hill. Ewwww.  Once back at camp I told told to braid Amy’s hair. Wheee, fun!

After a few days my Mistress decided to sell me. To Richard!  It took me less than 24 hours to disobey him. Eeek.

We were dancing at the cafe, and Richard said that he had to go somewhere. He said to keep dancing. After a while I left the cafe and went to the market with Amy. She was showing someone how to get there, and I didn’t want her to walk alone with a stranger. Um, we should not have left the cafe.

Master was not pleased.

Richard isn’t someone you disobey.

Now, Amy and I argue over who is responsible for the whipping we both got. I take responsibility because I for sure knew about not being able to leave the cafe, whereas she was not aware of those instructions. Amy feels responsible because she is the senior slave, so it is her job to make sure I follow the rules.

Whatever the case, we both had to remove our clothes and we each received way more than the 3 strikes of the whip we were told we were getting. He really is a bad man! We had to count each strike of the whip while the other was being punished.

Amy and I cried and held each other as best as we could, but we were each in separate cages, so all of our holding had to be done through the bars. The worst thing about the whipping was the sound! Richards whip is equipped with a horrifying cracking/snapping sound every time he whipped it at us. I can still hear it!

It’s sooooo fun being chain sisters with Amy. Most of the time we get to the dance and play. She is sneaky, though. One time she totally ratted on me! What happened was that I was in the mood to be frisky, so I pushed her into a tent and fondled her. Nothing major. She has an incredible body, I wanted to play with it is all.
Well, she tattled on me! She says to Richard, “Master, Jorja was mean to me, blah blah blah.” Trying to get me into trouble. The wench!

I thought I was going to be in trouble, but Master turned the tables on us and asked me if I liked being mean. I admitted it was fun to be mean, but I wasn’t really being mean. I just wanted to touch my pretty sister slave.

I was then told I could give Amy a back rub. *grin*

Not that she deserved to have a back rub after trying to get me into trouble with Master, but hey, any excuse to touch a half naked Amy is never something I’m going to turn down.  We were told to go into one of the tents while I gave Amy her massage. Once we were in there she was trying to wrestle with me instead of letting me massage her. Master has eyes and ears everywhere, and told her that I would be instructed to bite her if she didn’t settle down. I forget what she did or said, but the next words out of Masters mouth were “Jorja, bite Amy’s nipple.”

So I did. Twice.

She then accused me of biting so hard they would fall off. She liked it, though.

Amy and I couldn’t find a community of like minded people where we live, so we decided to experiment with Second Life to see what we could find there.  Megan seemed to have had very satisfactory experiences in her time there, so I thought that it might work for us as well.

What I had in mind was a few D/s minded people - maybe a bit kinky, maybe not, who knows.  Hopefully some people interested in photography, ideally passionate about it.  Building a community takes time, and my initial building in Second Life was an art gallery, where I could display photography and other works of art.

A peaceful, sedate appreciation what that world has to offer.

An idea whose time has probably come, but not  for me.  As our community began to grow, I could quickly see that a quiet art gallery wasn’t going to be a compelling place to entertain the people we were getting to know.

So I smashed it.

Late one night while Amy slept I went in and  tore everything down.  Everything.  Every single object of the 900+ I’d placed.

Such a pretty place, but not one conducive to the kind of community I wanted to be a member of.

So what have we now?

Check out the picture - That’s Amy and me pole dancing in the distance, with a shapeshifter werewolf, a vampire, and a mermaid around a fire pit while Gloria Gaynor belts out”I Will Survive” on the video screen.

Our kind of people.

Who knew?

As long time readers of our blog know, I am not a fan of orgasm denial.  Richard and I had a somewhat heated exchange about this (documented in the blog) early in our relationship.  My feeling was I’d spent most of my life in unsatisfying vanilla relationships experiencing plenty of orgasm denial.  Now I was finally in a thrilling, deeply satisfying D/s relationship and I wanted to cum as much as was humanly possible.

Richard’s attitude can best be summed up as “I have many tools with which I dominate you.  Some are pleasurable, some are painful.  I will use the ones I choose, when I choose.” <insert evil laughter here>

Happily, Richard’s inner hedonist usually wins out over his inner denier-of-good-stuff-to-Amy.

Furthermore.  Richard told me when we were first together that he had no interest in micro-managing.  He said why would he want to spend time choosing what I wear or reading all my emails or saying what I could or couldn’t eat?  Who was the Dom, then, if he was always running around seeing to me?

One tiny thing that was different than that, of course, was my needing to ask permission to go to the bathroom.  And I pretty much have to ask whenever I want to leave the room or do something different.  I think of it as asking permission to change my status.  : )

Well.  Here is one thing I know about Richard.  He changes his mind.  (For example, before we met in person, he told me he would not ask to see me topless on webcam until we had met in person.  Awesome, I was a webcam virgin and terrified at the thought.  Within a couple of weeks he had my shirt off.  Then pants off.  Then (I am so embarrassed to admit this) he made me masturbate for him on webcam…almost nightly for a while.  Now you know why we moved in together so quickly; I was going to die from humiliation if he didn’t.)

Richard has, over the last few months, begun to enjoy micro-managing me.  The first thing began as a joke.  Richard doesn’t like mayonnaise AT ALL, I love mayonnaise.  One day when I was teasing him, suggesting I put some mayonnaise on his sandwich he said “No.  I don’t want mayonnaise on my sandwich.  And you don’t get it either.”

I stopped, startled, and looked over at him.  He grinned and was silent for a second, obviously savoring my surprise.  “In fact, you can’t have mayonnaise anymore.  You are banned from mayonnaise.”  He nodded at the jar, “You might as well throw that out, since the kids don’t eat mayonnaise either.”

I started to argue with him but his eyebrows shot up.  Never a good sign.  His voice got silky.  “Maybe you don’t want butter either?  Would that make you happier, little girl?”  So I grimaced and said “No sir.  No mayonnaise is fine.  Thank you.”

In the past, he’s tried out banning things but then Richard the hedonist says “Noooo that’s interfering with MY pleasure”.  Things like wine, or ice cream, or (shudder) orgasms.  Of course, he could go ahead and enjoy wine or ice cream without me, and that would be even sexier, but he doesn’t seem to like that.

Last week he banned sodas.  *sob*  I am addicted to Diet Pepsi.  But I think it has been hurting my stomach and possibly making me more susceptible to migraines.  I’ve been trying to cut down, but it doesn’t work.  So he up and decided to ban them.  Hooboy this has been hard.  And this time he hasn’t stopped ordering Diet Pepsi himself.  He’ll sometimes let me have a sip (sometimes not) and oooooh the bliss!  Nectar of the gods!  He says he wants me to feel every sip of soda is a gift from him to me.  Which it definitely feels like, just like the very occasional sandwich with mayo that I am allowed.

What does this have to do with not being allowed to cum?  Well, he’s been enjoying this banning business and I guess he worked up to banning orgasm.  The other day he was fucking me sooooo deliciously.  After a very, very long time he got worn out and he stopped and said “I’m too tired to cum.  Here, let’s make you cum, little girl.”  I started to fuss, as I often do when he tells me what to do.  “I’m too tired to cum.  I probably can’t.”  Usually he says “Come on.  Do it.  Don’t be sassy.”  And I fuss a little more, but eventually I get around to cumming.

Not this time.  He said “Fine.  You won’t cum.   In fact, you aren’t going to cum today at all.  And we’ll see about whether you can cum tomorrow.”  Of course that made me desperate to cum, but he was adamant.  This was especially distressing to me, because lately I have been wanting/needing (which is it? I don’t know) to cum a LOT.

So now it has been like three days and I am humming like a tightly strung bow.  I may spontaneously combust if he doesn’t let me cum soon.  Hopefully he will read this and say “Aww, poor little girl.  Let’s make you cum.”  And not “Oh I LIKE this.  Let’s do it some more.”

Pray for me, dear readers.

xoAmy

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

I love Anais Nin.  The last few days have been very challenging for me.  Richard has been stretching me, helping me grow, and it can be hard.  Here are some quotes that are helping me stay focused.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

And for my new best guy friend:  “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

And for Megan, who I miss so much, and Chantal, who is helping me grow and making it fun:  “Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

xoamy

 

Amy, Just Before Plummeting Into the Sea

Richard and I are sitting on the couch, watching our dogs chase around bones that are a little too big for their mouths.  The smallest dog is also the most aggressive, and he gets the bone in his mouth, jumps up onto the couch where he can protect it, and then watches it fall back onto the floor, over and over again.  Finally, he decides to lean his paws against the couch while he flings the bone into a corner and hops up after it.  He growls at the other dogs, who are ignoring him as they wrestle their own over-sized bones.   He settles in, pulls the bone next to him, and stares in dismay as it falls to the ground yet again. Richard and I howl with laughter, and I am once again horrified by my banana peel sense of humor.

Second Life is a glorious place for someone with my sense of humor.  My first few hours online, as I said in my last post, were filled with slamming into walls and accidentally removing my clothes.  Richard even contributed by teleporting me INSIDE the wall of a clothing store.  I couldn’t get out until he sent me a teleport.  I am a little bit claustrophic and really think I would die if I tried some of that mummification kink stuff (where you are sealed inside something with only a breathing tube - ack!)

One of our readers (Chantal/Jorja Kane) gave me a couple of hours of bliss yesterday, when she visited Kingdom of Sand and I showed her around.  We were practicing running and jumping so that if she decided she wanted to be a prey/slave there, she wouldn’t get caught within the first nano-second.  Although after two hours of my tutelage I’m not sure she is any safer.

Chantal was a natural at jumping.  I told her that I would teach her how to jump into the castle - a skill that took me several hours to learn - and she had nailed it within minutes.  The first few times she flew into the air but then landed with her face against the castle wall.   She said “How perfect.  I’m standing here with my nose against the wall.”  I thought maybe we should go to one of the naughty schoolgirl sims and get spanked instead.  But she wanted to persist.

I jumped to the parapet by way of demonstration, and called down to her through the crenellations.  She came sailing past me and landed in the courtyard below.  Getting up to the parapet was harder for her; she went sailing by me again, back *out* of the castle.  Then back in.  Then she decided to walk up the stairs, but she kept falling off the stairs.

I suggested that we run along the castle walls so she could work on her precision.   I ran ahead of her and within a few seconds I couldn’t see her behind me (I was using the camera function).  I saw her mumbling in the chat box and peered over the edge of the parapet.  She was down below, and eventually managed to climb back up, and we began again.  And she promptly fell off again, cursing the castle, cursing Second Life, probably cursing me under her breath.  I was gasping for breath from laughing.

I told her to lean toward her right, because the castle wall would stop her from falling off that way, while to the left was an immediate drop into the interior of the castle.  I suggested that she run in front of me and I would watch out for her.

She began running and slammed into the wall on the right, bounced off it and slammed into a well-placed tower on the left, slammed again into the rightside wall, and then hurtled to the courtyard.  At this point I was sobbing with laughter.

There was silence for a moment and then her IM: “You’re laughing at me up there, aren’t you?”, which sent me off into another gale of laughter.  I think I scared the dogs at home.  She continued to mumble about slavers not *wanting* to catch her with her broken bones and bruises.  We gave up a bit later and I took her into the desert sands to do some easier running and jumping. I am sure she will run circles around me within days.

Richard has managed to document one of my many falls, as you can see in the picture above.  He has me wear a collar while in Second Life, and with the collar on he can move me around by writing commands in local chat.  Things like “tower” or “bracelets”, which require me to kneel.  Even more embarrassing, “assup”, which is at it sounds, and others like it.

He often has me “follow” him, and on a few occasions has done the follow! or come! command while far enough away from me that the collar pulls me through a wall or over a bridge.  The bridge in the picture has caused me humiliation a few times.  After I fell in the water, Richard called “come!” from the boat and the stupid collar kept bashing my head against the hull of the boat.  I finally choked out a request for him to stop, and pulled my beaten and bedraggled body up onto shore and climbed onto the boat of my own volition.

And then!  He proceeded to whip me there, which I think was quite unfair.

xoamy

Hi everybody!  Thanks for the good wishes from everyone who responded to Richard’s last post.  And thanks to poor Megan, who ended up minding the fort for us during our extended absence.  Since she was the last one to write a post, all of the questions about “where are you?’ ended up in her email inbox.

The past year was very challenging for me, and I don’t know how I would have survived it (truly) without Richard’s love and caretaking.  As he said though, it has slowed down our BDSM play because I was in so much pain that it didn’t seem like much fun to inflict even more.

But I don’t want to warble on about how boring our last year was.  It was bad enough to live through it; I don’t want to have to write about it too.  And I’m quite sure, trust me, that it would not be a great read.  Instead, I want to talk to you about what we have been exploring lately.

A few weeks ago, I went on Second Life (aka SL) for a work-related activity.  Both Richard and I had explored SL a small amount before.  Megan talked me into going on because she had met many friends and had a lot of fun there.  It hadn’t really clicked for us, though.

For the two people on the planet that don’t know about SL, here is a brief description.  It is probably the most popular Multi-User Virtual Environment (MUVE), which is exactly what it sounds like.  When you go to SL, you are given an avatar, a 3D computer “person”, that you can move through the virtual environment that is SL via your keyboard controls.  (I am sure there are much better descriptions of SL on Wikipedia or something.)

My first few hours on SL were probably similar to that of many people.  In fact I read that SL is working on its “first hour experience”.  Which is at present…weird.  My first hour I did a lot of embarrassing things.  I ran into a lot of walls and slammed up against a lot of ceilings, as I learned how to control my avatar (this wasn’t such a problem for Richard, who has played a lot of computer games).  I accidentally took off all my clothes in a PG kind of area.  I asked a large group of people if I could go to the bathroom, because I thought I was sending a private message to Richard (yes *sigh* I still have to get permission to use the bathroom).

I also thought my assigned avatar was really, really ugly.  So then I spent a lot of time shopping for a new “skin” and “shape” and clothing.  Which was boring.  I’m not a big shopper.  In fact Richard ended up doing a lot of that for my avatar.

Which brings me to why I am still on SL (as amy247 Waverider - come find me if you are on!).  Richard loves it, and that is making me start to love it.  Why hadn’t I realized the potential of SL before?  Let me count the ways.  First, we have been hungering for community (the focus of many discussions, and still no good answers).  SL is one way of developing a community of like people.

Second, Richard is so, so visual and in fact he has helped me realize that I am also a very visual person.  SL is in some ways like fetlife or bondage.com (where we met), but with a visual element.   Everyone on SL is gorgeous.  Well, except for the people who don’t want to be gorgeous, like zombies.

Finally, SL is kink friendly.  SL is generally a more open and accepting place than our real life (RL, in SL-speak).  I told Richard that it reminds me of Burning Man.

Here are the cool things we have done over the last few weeks.  We went to a lot of clubs.  It was surprisingly romantic to slow dance together and surprisingly sexy to have sex on the floor while other people watched. But I ended up spending a lot of time dealing with IMs from newbies.  In spite of being WITH Richard, and my profile (you can click on a person’s avatar to get info about them) saying that I am owned by him.  I guess it’s a low cost strategy to IM whatever female avatars are in the room and say such gems as “Amy u mak me hornie.”

Then Richard discovered the camera function on SL. Hehe.  Guess what Richard did for the next few days?  He went to every BDSM club and rough sex club and strip club in SL, I think.  And he took (and continues to take) some terrific pictures.

So then he decided to open his own gallery.  It was very cool; he had a realtor take him around and he bought some land.  Then he learned to build and he built a gorgeous gallery from the ground up.  It’s called Predator (appropriate name, huh?).  Come visit.  It’s got RL pics of me (I think most were first posted on this blog), and some really amazing SL pics.

When Richard was doing a search on the word “predator”, he found a simulation that we have ended up spending a lot of time on.  It seems made to order for Richard, honestly.  It’s called Kingdom of Sand, and it is basically a bunch of predators (slavers, Bedouin, Magi) that chase around prey (slaves) and also fight with each other.

Richard loves it.  He became a slaver right away.  I thought it was telling that the outfit he had chosen for his avatar when we first got to SL was almost identical to what the other slavers wore (a kilt, no shirt and tattoos).  He says that chasing prey is exhilarating; fighting feels more like something you just have to do, and once he’s caught the prey it’s not as interesting.

I’m feeling a little intimidated by it, although I really enjoy the role-playing.  I’m kind of scared of all the predators.  And I’m struggling with jealousy when Richard catches another slave girl.  I feel like such a dork; it’s not real, I know he loves only me, he doesn’t get jealous when the slavers ogle me, blablabla.  But I had a dream two nights ago.  My wedding ring, which is antique platinum filigree with little diamonds, broke into tiny pieces and fell into the sand I was walking over.  I tried to pick up the pieces, but they kept sifting through my fingers and falling into crevices in the sand.

Richard hasn’t chased anyone since I told him about my insecurity.  He says that he is focused on making tattoos (and he just made some awesome nipple rings for my avatar!).  But I know it’s because he is worried about me.  I feel so ashamed of my response and part of me wishes I hadn’t told him (although I tell him everything, and Richard says I’m not allowed to keep things like that to myself).

I think SL could be a great place for us to explore things that are difficult to explore in RL - eg I already have a couple of tattoos and now piercings, and Richard could explore sharing me (a big part of his sexuality and a big scary for me in RL).  But if I can’t put on my big girl panties and be clear on the distinction between RL and SL, then none of that can happen. I would love to get some advice on this from those of you more experienced in SL.

OK, gotta go feed my family and get some work done.

Salaam and safe paths, : )

amy

As I was saying, our trip to Burning Man proved to be quite interesting, and yet was the beginning of a very rough time for Amy.  We’ve been absent for a time here, largely due to health issues - Amy’s had a brutal year for migraines.  This kept her off her computer as much as possible, and writing for this blog suffered because of that.

We’re still together, (and how!) but the D/s over the past year has been greatly tempered by these health issues.  Basically, we couldn’t play as hard as we used to, or at least I didn’t want to - She had a lot going on, and I certainly didn’t want to wake her up in the middle of the night for her proper usage, when she had so little pain free sleep as it was.

It took almost a year, but we found a way to mitigate the migraines.  And so life is returning to where it once was.

We’ve talked about whether we should post here again - it so many ways it seems we’ve said all we have to say, but maybe there’s still more.  The past time in the wilderness is probably worth a post, but not yet.  Not by me anyway.

We want to move in a new direction, to keep things interesting for ourselves, and anyone still reading this.  We’re branching out.

I’ll write more about that next time.

Hi guys! Bet you didn’t expect to see another post from me here. This should teach you to let me remain part of your blog! [insert delighted smirk here]

Readers, you might remember Amy mentioning that when she started exploring BDSM, I had the wonderful pleasure of guiding her a little bit, as I’ve been in the lifestyle for nearly a decade. I’ve noticed that she praises my wisdom far too much. Here’s a peek at the dynamic reversed!

Let’s go back a year in time. I was half a year shy of the end of my 6 year marriage to my former Master. I was confused and unsure of which way to go. I was done with my post-divorce/release phase of “done with D/s”, and the phase of claiming to be a new-born lesbian, and was in the process of moving 3000 miles to give a new relationship a try. I was very fascinated and hopeful about this guy, and also a little hesitant because some of the things he wanted were things that I was strongly considering moving away from, but I wanted to give it a fair try. I was also very excited about living 6 hours away from Amy, instead of on the other side of the continent!

I remember Amy and Richard visiting with us at the very beginning. Even as we were quite new in the relationship, we already had the dynamic down and were quite hard core both S&M wise and protocol wise, and both bruises and demeanor were firmly in place upon their arrival. I remember Amy writing a very sweet entry about the visit, and I remember her telling me that she felt like a novice, compared to what she saw there.

And I remember that I saw it very differently. If anyone felt like a novice, it was me. I might have the kneels, the posture, the demeanor, the backing away respectfully, and so forth, down… but my heart wasn’t quite with it. I was still trying to find my place, my comfort zone, my sense of belonging. Everything I did, I did with a deep seated fear of not doing it right, and was obsessing over the fact that I could never quite seem to get it down intuitively and smoothly enough. I was always just a little late realizing that his glass was nearing empty, always a little too clumsy as I was backing away, and I couldn’t relax to save my life.

And I saw Amy and Richard cuddled up on the couch. They weren’t that old in their relationship either, I think they had just passed their first six months of living together. But I saw Amy predict Richard’s needs before he even knew he needed anything. Not because she was obsessively watching his glass with a deep fear of failing to notice when it was nearing empty, like I was with my dom, but because she was so in tune with him that she just knew. I saw her spontaneously feed him from her fingers, and I saw him feed her. They were giggling, their love apparent in everything they did. I was thinking that Amy was so much more a natural slave than I was, because she acted so naturally out of love and celebration, rather than in that obsessive worryful way that I was doing it. (Later I realized that she maybe didn’t really do everything “right”, but she did it “right enough”, and seen through the perspective of his loving eyes, it WAS right. Not because she is perfect (even though she is!!!), but because he loves her, and he recognizes the pure devotion she feels for him and his wellbeing - as he feels for her as well.)

I remember thinking, I hope I will have what they have one day. Because that’s what it’s all about.

It didn’t happen with that dom. I never quite managed to get past focusing on all the things I was doing wrong, obsessing about not measuring up, trying so hard to avoid disappointing him, feeling like I was constantly being measured in a “not quite gonna make it” kind of way. In hindsight I realize that I lacked the awareness to pinpoint this, and in the heat of my desperation to try not to fuck up, I definitely was not aware of how counter-productive the negative focus was as opposed to the positive focus I have today.

It’s funny how you can do something, and do it really well, impressively well - and still not actually “getting it”. I started in a medium protocol relationship with gorean undertones, and moved to more protocol, even though I had already started wondering if that was something that really worked for me. It was all I really knew, and I had a hard time understanding how I could still feel like a slave without having a myriad of rituals to remind me. And this was part of the reason why I was feeling lost and confused.

I needed to see a different way, and see it work, and see it give the results that I really wanted.

And that is what I saw, when I moved down to stay with Richard and Amy for a while. Don’t get me started on the huge amount of love and spoiling I got there, because that’s not what this entry is about, but it sure helped heal me, extremely quickly at that too. What this entry is about, however, is their dynamic and how it inspired and influenced me and got me onto the right track. How they taught me in the best way - by example.

It started at that visit I mentioned up there, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. During my too few months with them, I started seeing D/s in a different light, a light that actually fit me much better than my “previous lives”. Their dynamic is just so.. ALIVE.. free flowing, filled with a constant, active energy. They really don’t have much protocol as far as I’ve noticed, and the reason why I am mentioning this protocol stuff so much is for two reasons: one because I needed that epiphany in order to be open for the right type of relationship for me, and second because what triggered this post in the first place, was an entry that Amy wrote several months back, about them not having a “normal” D/s relationship, not “scening”, and so forth. And I was so triggered and upset by it, because I see what Richard and Amy have as being FAR more evolved than that, and I just wanted to shake her and tell her “why on earth would you want to go BACKWARDS???”.

Watching the playfulness between Richard and Amy, seeing how they managed to be goofy and head over heels in love, vulnerable with each other, shamelessly adoring each other, and just really living life with so much joy and passion, and seeing how this all just fueled the D/s aspect of their relationship instead of somehow making it less “real”, that was the real eye opener for me. Realizing that it was possible to have a really deep, fulfilling, complete, passionate and meaningful D/s relationship without the rigidness of protocol and rituals, that the lack of rituals and protocol didn’t mean loss of power exchange, or anything less intense.

And it was a big relief, to realize that it was OK to do this without all the “demonstrating acts” that I had been trained to perform. That not only does submission remain and blossom in the submissive, but that the dominant also “gets it”, that he can feel the submission through other ways and still feel satisfied. Wow. To be able to serve so much more purely from the heart, instead of the brain! I realize that to some people rituals and protocol works GREAT - but for a scatterbrain like me, I end up focusing so much on attempting to not forget details that I lose the greater picture. Of course it also helps to have a dominant who loves and adores you so much that it’s hard to do anything wrong, because they just see your heart and devotion and think you’re cute when you’re being silly!

To me, what has always been the most important thing to a D/s relationship, is love. Deep, passionate, crazy love. I’m not truly a slave to someone, until I love them with heart and soul. I also need to be loved back. And I realize that my demands are getting quite high here… I want kink, I want playfulness, AND I want love! AND a family. AND… well, more! And it’s tempting to give up and think that one has to settle… “well, three out of five will probably do…” But luckily Richard and Amy helped me in that regard too, again through example. They really inspired me to not lower my expectations, and to keep believing that it’s not only possible, but necessary - and that I should have it. Nothing less would do. (I’m sure you can all imagine them scrutinizing the suitors, and agreeing with each other that NOBODY was good enough for their Megan! LOL)

And then, one day this very special man showed up on my door. I have never in my 33 year life fallen instantly head over heels for anyone, nor believed in that “first sight” kind of thing, but it happened that day. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I wanted. I suspected it before I met him, from what I had encountered of him through emails and phone calls, but the moment my soul connected with his, I just knew. (And if I’d read this paragraph a year ago, I’d have laughed my ass off and shook my head with amusement and lack of belief in that such things are real.)

That was the end of March, over 7 months ago. I’m still shamelessly, recklessly happy and in love. I’ve tried over a dozen times to write this paragraph, but I just can’t do this justice. I am just amazed at how it’s possible to be this happy. I don’t even know how to describe us. It really is like a dance, a beautiful, exciting dance. And it’s so smooth, so natural, so real, so unique, so “us”. He’s a poly sadistic dominant, and I’m a playful masochistic submissive - but that’s just the basis that we’re building our dynamic on. We’re taking some parts to the extreme, dropping other parts, and introducing whatever turns us on. And at the same time just digging the hell out of each other and having each others’ back.

And I’m just so grateful to Richard and Amy for pushing me lightyears ahead in gaining the consciousness I needed in order to allow this relationship to fall into its own place, and have the peace and openness to let it grow into something that is so unique and purely “us” instead of thinking that we “have” to do one thing or another. By focusing on the passion (and amazing, killer sex!!), and letting it grow into love, the D/s part just naturally flowed into place, and I find myself in such a scary, overwhelming OWNED kind of state that I’m lost for words. And the kick ass part of that is that I’m there, while still being absolutely, purely “me”, with scattered brains, a really goofy sense of humour, moments of evilness, and all those things that I have to some extent or another tried to tone down in other relationships, because I was so worried about not being pretty enough in my service. I’ve even gone back to college, with his amazing support and understanding, and I’m able to enjoy my studies without feeling that I am somehow not serving him well enough, by having such time consuming third party interests.

Thank you guys, for being such a loving and inspiring part of my life. I really, truly love you guys.

Well, here is the moment that many of you have been waiting for.  I finally got Richard to stand still long enough to get a couple of photos of him during our Burning Man trip.  BTW, we will be writing more about the trip when we catch up with life.  The trip, with out-of-town visitors arriving immediately afterward and staying for 10 days, really put us behind.  I’m behind on work, Richard is catching up with photos, and the house is trashed.  But on to the pictures.

This is a picture of Richard outside the visitor’s center during our visit to Bodie, an abandoned gold mining town on the way to Burning Man.  He’s the REAL Bad Man of Bodie.

And this is Richard at the start of the dust storm that eventually drove us from Burning Man a day early.  Lots of men wore sarongs (me too; I felt totally at home in that regard!) and I was thrilled when Richard starting wearing one.  Now I’ve got to convince him to keep doing it.  Maybe a kilt?  He didn’t like how he looked in this one, but I think he looks delicious.  I got a really cute one of him on his bike, but he’s too recognizable in it, I’m afraid.

This is a quick shot of Amy at Burning Man.

She’s drenched.  One of the ways people shower and cool off here is to follow one of the dust abatement trucks that sprinkle water on the temporary roads, and run behind in the spray.

Here you can see her after chasng after a truck, and returning much cooler, and thoroughly soaked.